Sunday, August 15, 2010

Taking the scenic route to calling TV execs retarded

Today, for the second time in five days, I got my stupid little heart broken. And as is usually the case, it wasn't because some chick turned me down or anything boringly pathetic of that sort. No, this time it was because I finally finished watching all eight existing episodes of ABC's Happy Town. Out of all the newly aired TV shows that are about a police-type person who finds themselves in a new position in charge of a seemingly normal community that is actually teeming with creepy paranormal activity, it was Happy Town, easily the best one of them, that got canceled after only six aired episodes, while lesser shows like Haven (cute FBI chick, but I was never really that much into blondes) and The Gates (pretty good and it's not like you can ever go wrong with Rhona Mitra as a vampire, but not nearly as cool as Happy town) manage to live on for now. This does not make any kind of sense to me. How could the American viewing public possibly not fall in love with a TV show that shows you a guy driving a giant railroad spike through some dude's head on the first episode, before the opening titles?! How could American men knowingly not watch the only show out there to feature the stupefyingly attractive Lauren German? How could American teenage girls not get completely obsessed with that romantic subplot about the two high school kids in love who come from two completely different worlds, one of which is portrayed by an actor who (probably) has male genitalia and yet is prettier than most girls? And how could the slightly more mature broads of America not fall madly in love with the ever-charming Sam Neill, who is still a total hottie even in his late 60s? And how could fans of the Buffyverse forsake a show in which Amy Acker plays a rather dull yet central character? Not to mention all the bloody severed hands, and the FBI dude who is actually some sort of foreign lunatic who likes to terrorize little blonde girls (and don't we all?), and that wild pack of fifteen odd redneck brothers whose idea of a nice night out is having sex with a can of baked beans in a garbage dump, and that cold blooded redheaded witch who controls the entire town using her eight spidery appendages, and those weird little fish that somehow have something to do with the all-powerful town kidnapper known only as The Magic Man? They really should stop handing out people meters to the mentally disabled like candy, because it has been proven time and time again that the current methods of TV ratings measurement pose a great danger to TV shows that possess true greatness. I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone who took part in the decision to cancel Happy Town needs to have his balls chopped clean off his crotch and then fed back to him in front of his least hated friends and family members. Yeah. Um. What if it's a woman though? At least a couple of the evil douches who murdered Happy Town have to be female, it being 2010 and all, right? Do women even have anything over there you could chop off? Does anyone really know what they're actually hiding down below? That's a pretty good question, isn't it? Anyway, if a chick was partially responsible for this travesty, I guess you could always just call her fat or something, whatever has the power to crush a woman's spirit these days. Calling a woman a slut works pretty well too, in my experience. They really don't like that, for some reason. Go figure. Oh, and if you were wondering why they drew the question-mark-with-a-halo tattoo on Lauren German's shoulder right next to that little mole instead of over it, just look for photos of her back online. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you'll find, especially if you like moles, which I sure don't.

Nice last name, Lauren German!

I also finished watching Surface today, which was a TV show that was also canceled prematurely a few years ago. Once again, I am completely baffled. How could anyone not love a show about sea monsters?! Sea monsters! Friggin' sea monsters!!! They're monsters, they're ginormous and they live in the ocean! That's like the awesomest thing in the entire universe!!! The only problem I could find with the show was that as the plot progressed, they started showing less and less of Leighton Meester in a bikini. But come on, just the mere possibility of seeing Miss Meester in a bikini for one second is enough to make me watch pretty much anything. I guess the lesson is that if you want to keep a show on the air, you better keep putting more and more of Leighton Meester in a bikini in it. Not less of Leighton Meester in a bikini, but more. Not less, more. And that's a piece of advice you can take all the way to the bank. The sperm bank is still a bank, right?

Leighton Meester in a bikini

Leighton Meester in a bikini, back view

Leighton Meester out of a bikini

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