Saturday, September 25, 2010

A little douche can go a long way

But only if he has enough coins for the bus. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World has finally made it to the steaming center of the smelly Middle East, and so yesterday I went to see it and it was so unbelievably awesome that I'm already halfway through the second book and I'm definitely thinking about going again, assuming it's going to last in theaters here for more than two weeks, which doesn't seem all that likely as they seem to be trying to market it here as some sort of romantic comedy for retards and preteens which is more than likely to result in major disappointment within the mentally challenged movie-going public, which is sadly the part of the population theater owners rely mostly on these days. Questionable renaming issues aside, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is beyond awesome. Based on the graphic novel series by Bryan Lee O'Malley, it tells the story of this mildly douchy Canadian dude who doesn't really do much other than play video games and hang with the other members of his band, Sex Bob-omb. He also shares his bed with a sodomite and does not bang this cute little Asian chick who goes to a Catholic high school. One night he dreams about this one really cool chick with pink hair and rollerblades and a generally bitchy attitude, which I guess really does it for him because after he gets to meet her in real life he totally starts stalking her like a total weirdo creep, and he doesn't even do it the cool way, you know like, with a good set of binoculars and one hand down your pants, instead this guy just asks around about her until everybody in Toronto knows he is completely obsessed with her and the only option he's left with is to order a bunch of CDs from, where roller chick works as a delivery girl, even though the Canadian branch is by far the crappiest of all the Amazons out there and anyway buying music on optical media is about as cool as dudes who listen to their portable music players using white earphones. The thing is, other than having to juggle between two lady friends at the same time, Mr. Pilgrim also has to fight and defeat his new girlfriend's seven evil exes, including a Hollywood movie star, a vegan (eep!), a big record producer and one very crazy little broad, which means loads and loads of extremely cool PG-13 violence and mayhem. Now, I kinda liked Edgar Wright's previous movies, but I didn't think either one of them was great in any way. They were both pretty entertaining, but mostly they just felt like trying a bit too hard. Or maybe it was just that I seriously dislike Simon Pegg. Either way, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is simply the single most perfect geek movie I have ever seen in my very long life as a very geeky moviegoer. It is both cool and dorky at the same time, it can get extremely violent for a movie that doesn't show you any actual blood or any kind of bodily injuries, and everything about it is just plain hilarious. The direction is the kind that has to be seen to be believed, and all the actors do a pretty great job in it including Michael Cera, who is proving out to be one of the greatest one-trick-pony type actors of our times. Some of the characters may come off as not very likable, if not down right assholey, but real people are rarely pleasant to be around, so I didn't have any problem with it. I think my only problem with the movie is that Alison Pill doesn't get a whole lot of screen time in it. She plays the adorably cranky drummer chick here, and I need to see more of her as soon as possible or an extreme situation may be starting to develop in my general pants area. Here is a photo of her from some other movie, some boring piece of based-on-a-true-story crap about this dude who got murdered for sticking his dick into one too many male poopchutes or something. Enjoy!


I also went to see the new Resident Evil 3D movie recently, and it totally kicked ass! Being a Resident Evil movie there isn't really much I can go into in terms of story or acting, but I have enjoyed it quite a bit, and not just because it's the first 3D movie that was actually shot in 3D I've seen since Avatar. What I would like to mention is that one scene where Milla Jovovich's character was about to take a shower, and almost managed to take her clothes off, and then she didn't, and I died a little on the inside. It was such an insane cock tease of a movie moment that I almost started crying right then and there in the theater, in front of Milla and everybody. On the other hand, it was probably safer that way, as Ms. Jovovich does possess the sort of unnaturally pointy nipples you could easily lose an eye on, and seeing them in 3D may produce a rather serious strain on one's ocular organs. Still, in the words of that great dead poet, I definitely wouldn't mind making sex on her vagina with my penis. I think he was French, that poet. Or maybe some sort of Russian. Or possibly just horny and not very talented, as is usually the case with poets. Either way, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the good people at Purple Magazine once again for the hours upon hours of pure, unadulterated joy that they have brought on us all last September. Thank you all so very much, from the bottom of my throbbing, aching heart. And by 'heart', I obviously mean the organ I feel emotions with. That's right. My sad, sad little peepee.

Ms. Jovovich's lovely bottom, courtesy of Purple Magazine

No comments:

Post a Comment