Sunday, September 2, 2012

Dear People: You are Awful

What follows is an incomplete list of oddly successful people whom I seriously dislike, in no particular order. All images have been resized in order to protect the readers' delicate ocular organs, as well as my own. This post will be updated in the future as I see fit. Enjoy!

Sofia Vergara is awful.
The highest paid actress in television is a loud, annoying and truly frightening monstrosity of a woman. Is everybody in North America on meth? Well played, Mr. White. Well played.

Ricky Gervais is awful.
This guy is as unfunny as he is smug, and everybody knows that the original British version of The Office doesn't hold a candle to the American version (or the Israeli one, for that matter.)

Ellen DeGeneres is awful.
Her wife may be totally hot, but this lady is still one of the most obnoxious television personalities of our times. No Mrs. DeGeneres, scissoring someone who is pretty and funny does not make you any prettier or funnier.

Fred Armisen is awful.
This guy must be some sort of evil genius for convincing the lovely Abby Elliott to allow him into her pants, but he's still as terrible and unfunny as they come, and the only good thing about Portlandia was the occasional Aubrey Plaza guest appearance.

Maya Rudolph is awful.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: the only reasonable explanation for the success of this hideously unattractive and utterly untalented actress is a remarkable talent for chugging dick. 

Larry David is awful.
Mr. David has obviously peaked over two decades ago, and since then has been the embodiment of a one-shtick ass. We get it, uncomfortable situations make you uncomfortable. Now please disappear.

Whitney Cummings is awful.
The reason nobody believes that you were born in 1982 isn't your late-30s looks, it's more because your shows have such an archaic style that they feel like they were conceived by a committee of a dozen 80-year-old Jewish TV execs. Kat Dennings must have the worst agent in the business.

Will Smith is awful.
I can't wait for movie-making technology to become advanced enough so they can edit this guy out of all the Men in Black movies and replace him with someone a little less horrible. Like, say, Snooki.

Catherine Tate is awful.
All by herself, this woman has rendered an entire season of Doctor Who completely unwatchable, which means that when she finally dies she's definitely going to Dalek hell.

Jimmy Kimmel is awful.
Sarah Silverman must have the lowest self-esteem of any woman on the face of the planet.

Tina Fey is awful.
This woman has single-handedly ruined SNL for all eternity. She must be so proud.

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