Thursday, September 20, 2012

Uncle Ben's DinoZoo!

I've been spending quite a bit of time lately thinking about building my very own zoo, except instead of animals, this zoo would have life-sized animatronic dinosaurs in huge cages, and animatronic pterosaurs in huge aviaries, and animatronic ichthyosaurs and plesiosaurs in gigantic aquariums. And they wouldn't be the kind you see in museums, where they just stand there and maybe roar a little every couple of minutes. No, my animatronic dinosaurs would walk around, fly, swim, fight each other, eat, poop, mate and basically act just like the real thing, except they'd be REALLY pissed off about being trapped in some lame 21st century cage, so every once in a while a couple of raptors would figure out how to open their cage and run free around the zoo and maybe eat a bunch of visitors to death, and I'd be all like, "hey, life finds a way!" and everybody would get the reference and laugh and forget all about the mutilated corpses. And then the dinozoo would become so popular and make me so much money that I'd be able to expand and start an animatronic cryptozoo, with animatronic dragons and sea monsters and griffins and grey aliens and unicorns and chupacabras and sasquatches and mermaids, and the mermaids wouldn't be all sexy and wearing seashells for bikini tops, no, they'd be all weird-looking and scaly and they'd have these long, razor-sharp teeth and they'd creep everybody out. And I'd name one of the sea monsters Nessie and program her to let me ride her in the giant sea monsters aquarium and I would love her and care for her and be her best and only friend and she would be mine and maybe, just maybe, I could then finally die a happy, happy boy.

(Note: this post was first published in my OkCupid profile, which is the only reason why it doesn't include any references to small children getting ripped apart by mechanical velociraptors or being thrown into the mermaid habitat for laughs.)

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