From Halloween Prop to Sex Toy in 60 Seconds

A little tape and a lot of lube make all the difference. Happy Halloween everybody!

I didn't take a picture of the final result, because that would've been way too creepy. Also, I'm too lazy and not horny enough to actually make it.

Jane Levy is Daphne from Scooby-Doo

My argument has never been so invalid in my entire life. And by 'argument', I mean my penis. And by 'invalid', I mean semi-erect. And by 'in my entire life', I mean since I watched the previous episode of Suburgatory.

My Usual Reaction

Lame Pun of the Day: Hearing Aids

This heart-warming family tale came to me in a dream last night. Enjoy!

Aww, She Makes Such a Lovely Beard!

So, apparently Seth MacFarlane (38) has been dating Emilia Clarke (25) for a while now. That's nice. I just hope he doesn't find her too itchy.

Unfortunately for Mr. MacFarlane, in real life Emilia Clarke does not have a Peter on her crotch.

I'll Have 400gr of Sarah Gadon, Please

Last night I saw Brandon Cronenberg's Antiviral at Icon TLV, and it was by far the most deliciously Cronenbergian film I have seen in over a decade. Antiviral tells the story of a hideously freckled young man who works as a salesman for a company that sells interesting and exotic diseases extracted from interesting and exotic individuals to people who want to feel as close to their favorite celebrities as they possibly can without actually being in the same room with them. Something happens to this one really hot chick, and then something happens to the ginger sales guy, and a bunch of people keep eating cloned human flesh and puking up blood and sticking each other with needles, but what's really important is that from the very first scene I was once again completely immersed in the beautifully creepy world that is the lavishly diseased brain of a member of the Cronenberg clan, in a way I haven't felt like since the first time I saw Videodrome. David Cronenberg may have officially left the world of all that is good and slimy in the late '90s, but I guess that is why people feel a need to procreate, because while Antiviral is undoubtedly an entirely original creation, one which I'm sure will only gather more and more recognition as more and more viewers are exposed to it, Brandon is still very much his father's son, with all the weird and crazy shit that sort of thing tends to entail. He also seems like a really cool guy, someone I definitely wouldn't mind sharing a mugwump with, and I kinda wanted to shake his hand after the Q&A session, but that would have been kinda weird, because he's about my age, and I usually like my celebrity male crushes to be old enough to be my dad. The young Cronenberg said that he is planning to keep making movies until he runs out of Canadian government money, and if he keeps making them this good, I expect nothing less of him.

Fine, make it 600gr of Sarah Gadon. But you better make it boob meat, because I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight.

And today I saw Dredd 3D, which has some pretty cool gore and violence and not much more than that. Also, the 3D was garbage. The movie was supposedly shot on 3D, but it has so many awful converted shots (including every single close-up) that I found it completely unwatchable. Not even the lovely Olivia Thirlby could save this one, as her only job here was to have yellow hair and deliver awful, generic dialogue. What a complete waste of my time.

How I Made an Ass of Myself in front of a Four-Time BSFA Winner

It's Sukkot again, and you know what that means. That's right, once again it is time for the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival(s) at (and just next to) the Tel-Aviv Cinematheque! Among other events, last Wednesday I've attended a screening of The Prestige, which followed a discussion panel about magic, literature and cinema with British sci-fi author Christopher Priest and some douchey "psychological mentalist" whom I never really liked and now seriously despise (let's call him Nimmy, for he is now my arch-nemesis). As expected, the brilliant Mr. Priest was an absolute delight to behold when speaking, which unfortunately he didn't get do do much of, since Nimmy is one of those awful, awful people who are way too in love with the sound of their own voice to let anyone else talk in their presence. This joke of a performer then proceeded to perform a feat of so-called mentalism, which included tricking me into nodding my head slightly when asked to confirm that a specific word was in fact scribbled onto a small piece of paper, shown to me only briefly in a darkened room. Apparently psychological mentalism is just like magic, only stripped of all its style, showmanship and skill requirements, making it not much more than the art of being a good liar. Anyway, all that awful business was quickly forgotten once the screening and subsequent short Q&A session ended, and I have somehow mustered enough courage to approach Mr. Priest and nervously ask him to sign my old Hebrew copy of The Inverted World, using my usual combination of a nearly inaudible voice, a terrible accent and a stutter. Not only did he seem perfectly happy to sign it for me, he even offered to add a dedication and asked for my name! I repeat: for a few seconds in time, Christopher Priest, celebrated author of The Inverted World, The Space Machine, The Prestige and The Extremes actually knew and committed to paper my very own first name! And I even got a nice, firm handshake, followed by a wonderfully awkward series of reciprocal thank-you's! Mr. Priest, you are a gentleman and an absolute sweetheart, and I am never going to wash my right hand again, except maybe after using the bathroom, and before eating, and possibly if it gets too dirty, but other than that I'm going to leave it just as you had left it, covered with the shiny film of your mighty literary awesomeness.

The Inverted World by Christopher Priest, printed in Israel in 1980.

I'm totally saving the pen he used in an airtight plastic bag for all eternity.

The other movies I've seen for far at Icon TLV are as follows:

• Safety not Guaranteed, a very cool indie comedy about some dork who thinks he can time travel and save some hot chick who was nice to him once, starring the amazing Aubrey Plaza and that guy from The League.
• A Fantastic Fear of Everything, a hilariously dark comedy directed by Crispian Mills (of Kula Shaker fame) in which the mildly annoying Simon Pegg plays a children's author who suffers from a life debilitating phobia of laundromats, and also of 19th century serial killers.
• Dead Shadows, a French horror/sci-fi movie about an asteroid that turns French people into freaky tentacle monsters. I didn't really care much for any of the characters in the movie, but the body horror effects were definitely worth the price of admission.

Aubrey Plaza is as pretty as an extremely pretty young woman.

Finally, this Monday I'm going to attend a screening of Antiviral, Brandon Cronenberg's first feature film, which he will attend himself. And oh yeah, apparently some dude is going to sit right next to me, as I have just found out on the ticket website. Fucking great. Not creepy at all, strange dude. Not creepy at all.

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl

Oh, and that other Icon festival, the one that isn't Icon TLV and takes place at the high school behind the cinematheque? Well, I did pay it a couple of quick visits, but since I much prefer sitting by myself in a dark room and staring into a big screen than actually interacting with my fellow geeks, it isn't really my thing. I will say this though: if you like them cute, pale and underage, the other Icon festival is definitely the place to be.