OMG OMG OMG!!!!!11

OMG J-----, OMG!

Remember that hip new bar I was terrified about going to the other night? Well, you're not gonna believe this! I MET SOMEONE THERE! A real live woman, and we totally hit it off! It was a little awkward at first, but J-----, it was so amazing. And then! Then, after the show, we went back to her place! She has a roommate, but we had plenty of privacy. And get this J-----, after spending most of the night talking, we actually had sex! Would you imagine? Me, at my age, finally having sex with the most awesome woman I've ever met! She's so goddamn cute, you're just going to die when you see her. I know it sounds silly, but I just know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together and be disgustingly happy for the rest of our lives!!!!
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LOLJK, April fools!

 *cries*

Update, April 30th: unfortunately, I will not be able to pull this prank quite as effectively next year, or any year after that. *cries even harder*

This One is a Lot Like the One From Three Weeks Ago

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XVII

Naming names is always a big mistake. See edition XV for more information, if you must.

Three weeks have gone by, and she's still just as amazing. And the jeans shorts and exposed navel didn't hurt either.

As seen in PGISLN XI, only this time she was there just to listen to music, rather than play it.

This one is mostly known for being cute, being able to dress herself and having been born into money.  She also used to be married to some allegedly funny guy who hasn't been even remotely entertaining in over a decade.

I'd Definitely Occupy That

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XVI

Last night I saw a one-woman play originally co-edited by Alan Rickman about how lame this country is. Sounds depressing? Wait until you get to see this attractive young lady wearing nothing but her bra and panties!

I can't even begin to describe how turned on I get by cellulite on hot women.

The only thing that bothered me about the show was how the only person who kept laughing inappropriately in the audience was this terrible old actress who sat in the row in front of me and is also the wife of the creepy old pervert who runs the monodrama festival. Terrible people are terrible.


Bonus: a grainy, high contrast black and white picture of a great big puppy, taken right outside the theater!

Tumtum by Gil Yefman

I took these photos today at the About Stupidity exhibition at the Petach Tikva Museum of Art.

This thing is basically amazing.

Also, it farts.

Every art museum needs an awesome piece of art that also farts.

Otherwise, what do we even have art museums for?

Bonus: two artsy black and white photos. It's the graininess that makes it art!

This black kitty was sleeping peacefully just outside the museum. I woke it up because I'm a dick.

I thought I had crushed my camera to death on the bus, so once I got off it I had to see if it still worked. This is the result.

Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #32

Anna Paquin, nude
I embrace her in my bed
She doesn't like it.

I watched Straight A's last night. It was okay. Could have used a lot more of that purple thing she was wearing in one of the scenes. Fantastic nipples, is what I'm saying.

Haiku of the Day: Sexual Fantasy #47

Two girls on the bus
I want to touch Girl A's boob
While Girl B watches

In the image above: two girls. I believe that usually means over three different boobs to choose from!

Haiku of the Day: Found, The Single Most Perfect Human Female on FSM's Green Earth

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part XV

Yael Birenbaum
I want to have your babies
By which I mean cats

Perfection incarnate.

So yeah, Jack in the Box are an amazing band and I want Yael Birenbaum to impregnate me with her sweet-scented womanly seed, so that I may give birth to our happy litter of fuzzy little kittens through my belly button.

Vacation Photos, Part II: Hotel Room Art That Looks Like Excited Lady Parts

Slimy vaginas. Slimy vaginas everywhere.

Bonus photo: a scary cyborg triceratops!

Vacation Photos, Part I: OMGZ KITTEHS!!!!11

This week I have had the great pleasure of petting each and every one of these awesome cats at the Dolphin Reef in Eilat. Some of them didn't even try to scratch me!

Bonus photo: a wet dog!

Grainy B&W Photos of Something I Found in the Street Today

Haiku of the Day: This Was Just a Reason to Morph Some More Letters

Dearest Kate Bracken
You're the hottest Scottish girl
Since Laura Fraser

Kate Bracken, who plays Alex on Being Human, happens to be one of those rare individuals you could seriously hurt yourself thinking too much about how beautiful they are.

Alternatively, this GIF could be dedicated to the amazing Alexandra "Alex" Breckenridge, whom I haven't seen in anything in a really long time, which sucks 37 different kinds of ass. Now here is a 33fps version just for her.

This Movie is After Your BRAAAAAAAAAIIIINS

Well, I can't say I haven't been warned. Today I went to see Warm Bodies, and it was one of the worst cases of false advertising I have ever seen. Unlike what the trailer has lead me to believe, Warm Bodies is not a zombie comedy. In fact, it isn't a comedy at all. Warm Bodies is just another one of those dreadful supernatural teen romance movies that seem to make so much money these day. Expecting something along the lines of Zombieland, what I got was the undead version of fucking Twilight. I've read a review earlier this week saying just that, but I simply refused to believe it. How bad, I said to myself before entering the theater, could a movie starring Rob Corddry (SO funny), Analeigh Tipton (SO pretty) and John Malkovich (SO creepy) possibly be? The answer is now clear to me. It could be very, very bad. Painfully bad. So bad I didn't care about anything happening on the screen and kept checking my phone for the time, and I NEVER turn my phone on at the movies. Oh well, un-die and learn, I guess. At least the mummy-like Boneys were sort of cool. Boneys, I can only assume, is a term referring to obsessive fanboys of the new animated TV hit My Little Boner: Dipshits are Tragic, voiced by Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. Coming to the sweaty center of the smelly Middle East this spring!

Analeigh Tipton may be totally gorgeous and Teresa Palmer may be extremely beautiful in a completely bland sort of way, but it is Rob Corddry who just oozes raw sex in Warm Bodies. Bald guys who aren't me are so darn sexy!

Animated Haiku of the Day: Is There Anything Sweeter Than a Lena Dunham?

Bonus: a painstakingly animated morphing G!

Haiku of the Day: Hooray, Human Contact!

Sivan's right shoulder
Brushing against my left arm
My jeans are ruined.

Sometimes I think that the only reason I go to live shows is so that an attractive young woman would hold my wrist in her delicate hand and stamp me.

And sometimes I think that the only reason I go to see Eatliz live whenever I can is for those brief moments when it seems like Sivan Abelson is looking right into my eyes without judging me too harshly as a human being.

Haiku of the Day: And I Fucking Hate Cigarettes

Smoking girl walked by
I breathed in her exhaled smoke
Cancer erection

Ivana Milicevic and Buffy are Eskimo sisters!

In other news: I'm deeply sorry, Ivana Milicevic. Even at the ripe age of 38 you're still absolutely gorgeous and I really did try to like Banshee, but it just wasn't very good. Other new shows to avoid this season are The Following and Do No Harm. Bleh.

The Most Solemn Fap of All

Would you buy this vintage denim overall, previously owned by an elderly person (and possible Holocaust survivor) in need and recently worn by international fashion model Adi Neumann? I sure would, if only for the privilege of smelling the faint scent of her skin on the fabric during every single morning fap session for as long as I shall live. Unfortunately, this particular item has already been sold (to some extremely lucky perv, I'm sure), but there are still many others at the Roots website, all pre-owned by nice old people who need your spending money much more than you do. Happy International Holocaust Remembrance Day.

If Ms. Neumann really wants to help the needy she should just start selling her used, unwashed panties online, because there are still a lot more creepy panty sniffers out there than hipsters who enjoy dressing up like their grandparents.

A Wool Hat on Things

Wool hats are cool. Here is what my new wool hat, knitted by the person who once gave birth to me, looks like on various inanimate objects.

A glow-in-the-dark skull from the London Dungeon wearing a cool wool hat.

A dragon skull from Hamburg wearing a cool wool hat.

A wooden bear I found in the street wearing a cool wool hat.

A Halloween pumpkin from Italy wearing a cool wool hat.

A fire-breathing dragon from Worms, Germany wearing a cool wool hat.

A skull from Berlin wearing a cool wool hat.

A carnival mask from Venice wearing a cool wool hat.