Merry Jewish Christmas 2012

An Unexpected Technology

Yesterday I went to see The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and was completely overwhelmed by the effect of the HFR format. High Frame Rate technology is truly amazing to behold. It is also devastatingly awful. By some miracle of alchemy, because it makes motion look so real, it makes the film look like the opposite of what a cinematic experience is supposed to look, which in turn makes it look completely fake, like watching actors move around a film set. Most of the movie looks like one of those old-timey shot-on-video television dramas, while the CGI looks like it belongs in a video game or an amusement park ride. Whenever an actor makes a quick motion, it looks like someone pushed the fast-forward button. Because of the way single-projector 3D setups work, HFR somehow distorts the 3D effect, so that fast-moving objects seem to float against the background. Worst of all, it made my eyes physically hurt during the first hour or so of the screening. And yet, the high frame rate really does turn The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey into an awe-inspiring visual experience. Most of the time I found it to be completely distracting, but when it does work, it works like nothing you've ever seen on a screen. The next two Hobbit films have already been shot, so they'll probably bear similar flaws, but I think it's fair to assume that by the time James Cameron starts shooting the Avatar sequels next year they'll be able to work out the kinks and make HFR look absolutely spectacular.

So how was the actual movie? Well, obviously, it was way too long for is own good, but not half as boring as I thought it would be. The Gollum scene alone was worth the price of admission, and the rest was pretty cool too, so I will definitely be revisiting the world of The Hobbit in December 2013 as well as December 2014, if only to see the cute talking dragon. I sure do love those cute talking dragons.

Sara Canning does not star in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey because she doesn't have a penis, but what she lacks in genitalia she certainly makes up for with a truly glorious mouth, and right now she's the only reason I still watch Primeval: New World.

I Put the Fart in Farty

Enter Cunnilingus Pun Here

Disclaimer: recently someone must have put me on a list of bloggers who write about Israeli indie music, because I've been getting all kinds of messages from publicists to the email address associated with Allergic to Coleslaw. Among them, I have received last week a message regarding an Eatliz show, which included an offer to have my name added to the guest list. It was pretty neat, but it didn't really feel right, seeing as how most of my music-related posts are more about attractive female vocalists than actual music, so I did not take them up on their offer. I was, however, going to attend the show anyway, so I just paid for my own ticket the way a mere mortal would.

So, this week I went to the Eatliz show in Tel-Aviv, which marked the fourth and a half time I've seen them play live, and as expected, it was pretty amazing. I don't really like writing about stuff I don't know much about, and I really don't know much about the technical side of creating and playing rich, beautiful music, but I do know what I like, and I really like Eatliz. The old material is great, the new material is great, and even though I reserve the right to miss Lee Triffon deeply, I couldn't be more pleased with what a fantastic job Sivan Abelson does as lead vocalist, and I can't wait for the new album to come out.

All I wanted for Christmas was for Sivan Abelson to show a little skin at the show, but I guess Santa thought I've been too naughty this year (this photo was taken a few weeks ago). I do, however, believe that she wasn't wearing a bra. So that's something.

The World's Scariest Sideshow Attraction

Why I Love the Beauty Section

BANG!

Can't tell if trolling or an actual fan of Bibi.

Shot yesterday in Jerusalem.

Yes, during the Shabbat. Take that, random dick!

Shto?

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Week, Part XII

Being the only person in the room who doesn't speak a word of Russian has sure got its benefits. For example, if someone were to make fun of the creepy loner who came to see the Saint Petersburg-based band all by himself, it wouldn't bother you in the slightest.

And she's even prettier when she's running a 38C fever!

Should You Watch ParaNorman: a Study

Yes. Yes, you should. Right now. Like, this very minute. Go!

Anna Kendrick is cute and pretty and funny and talented and I love her and I want to marry her and sit on the couch with her and watch a movie together and maybe smell her hair a little if she falls asleep but probably not and that's okay because she's Anna Kendrick and she's amazing.

Smack is Whack

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Nine Days Ago, Part XI

Street parties can be pretty fun when the music is both live and cool. Also, it might be worth mentioning that I haven't experienced this much human contact in years, which I guess was sort of nice. foreveralone.jpg

Scary is the new pretty

Yeah, that's me right in front of her. You have that weird dress to thank for hiding all the ugly.

Kindergarten Sign Fail

Creepy babies are creepy.

I Love High School Slayers

I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

It's fine, she's a Republican and a female, so she probably hates her body anyway.

People are Awful: The OkCupid Experiment

The Experiment:
Two weeks ago, disappointed by humanity yet again, I've decided to try and compose the most awful, cheesy and boring dating profile known to man. It had to be believable, so it couldn't be all bad, but it was pretty damn close. There wasn't a single original idea in the entire profile. It was basically one excruciatingly typical cliché. I then proceeded to answer over 200 matching questions (this is how OkCupid matches potential partners) in the most douchey way possible. Finally, I added a single profile photo, one that I found by googling 'white guy with sunglasses'. The person in the photograph was wearing large, pink-rimmed sunglasses (during what appeared to be nighttime, no less), so one couldn't really tell what he looked like. I am not going to translate the profile, because most of the awfulness would be lost in translation, but those of you who read Hebrew might get a kick out of it.

The Results:
Well, they certainly weren't very surprising, assuming one is at all familiar with the human species. Within 10 short days, and without contacting any other OkCupid member, the fake profile had received over 70 visits from eligible women and six personal messages, numbers which my real profile took over 6 month to accumulate.

Conclusion:
People are awful and they only like other people who are just as awful as they are, we are all doomed and I definitely don't want to live on this planet anymore. So long, and thanks for all the vegan burgers.



In other news: so the recent war (oh, I'm sorry, 'military operation') got here this afternoon, which included sirens all over the Tel-Aviv area and two loud bangs. If this should be the last post I ever make, you'll be able thank our Fearless Leader for it.


Update, November 17: the fake profile just got the 'you're now among the most attractive people on OkCupid' email. FML.

Return of the Burt: a Bull Terrier's Tale

I was never a big fan of '80s Tim Burton. Much like the rest of that decade, his movies had a lot going for them, but ultimately they were too awkwardly-made and too much on the bad side of creepy for me to truly enjoy. '90s Tim Burton was a completely different creature: his movies were so rich and joyful and lovingly crafted that they defined an entire generation of avid moviegoers. Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, Selick's The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks! and Sleepy Hollow were all regarded as cinematic masterpieces by anyone with fully functioning ocular organs (yes, even Mars Attacks. shut up, aliens are cool!), but then something truly terrible had happened. 2001 saw the rise of '00 Tim Burton, who was a big scary money-making machine which produced a string of big-screen artistic disasters and made us all suspect that some time around the turn of the century Mr. Burton had sold his tortured soul to the studios for a buttload of cash (I'm blaming '00 Tim Burton for Alice in Wonderland too, even though it was released in early 2010). Then came Dark Shadows, which wasn't a perfect film, but it did get me to reconsider my view of Burton's transformation. Finally, yesterday I got to attend an accidentally-private screening of '10s Tim Burton's stop-motion animated remake of his 1984 Frankenweenie, and boy, was I glad to behold his glorious return to the realm of heartwarming black-and-white creepiness. I absolutely loved everything about this version of Frankenweenie, and I have no doubt that this is the best possible way of telling this story of one boy's unbound love for his tragically deceased puppy. Welcome back, Timmy. I hope you'll decide to stick around for at least another eight years.

Reanimated bull terriers are ADORABLE.

A note on the animation: in the age of computer animation, the only merit of stop-motion animation is its hand-made quality. Corpse Bride, Burton's 2005 film, did not possess that quality, which is one of the reasons I disliked it so much. A stop-motion animated film that looks and feels as smooth and perfect as a computer animated film is a complete waste of quite a bit of time, money and talent (and the godawful songs didn't help either). The good news is that Frankenweenie looks a lot more like The Nightmare Before Christmas than Corpse Bride. Don't get me wrong, the animation is still very fluid and you can definitely notice the use of modern animation techniques, but the animation style, the gorgeous character design (especially Martin Landau's Mr. Rzykruski) and the textures of both sets and characters are much more reminiscent of crude pencil sketches than of computer models. And that's a good thing.

Can you guess how many beauty marks I felt compelled to remove from this image? The winner gets a free butt mole!

And a note on the 3D: for some reason, Frankenweenie is only released in Israel in eye-popping 2D. As that is how it was originally shot (the 3D version is one of those crappy conversion things), that is also a good thing, and I'd like to thank whoever made that decision.

Haiku of the Day: Blood & Chrome is OK, I Guess

A computer screen
Is rarely a projector.
Got it, Hollywood?

Dafuq is that crap all over your face!?

Exquisitely Fappable

The following pieces of artwork were photographed this week at the Salon d'Automne Israel art exhibition at the Old Jaffa Port. Enjoy!

Note: if you own the rights to a specific piece, please contact me at once so that I may mail you the corresponding batch of splooge extracted under its influence, or an equivalent amount of said splooge. Especially if your name starts with an X.


Update: yes, that's really her in the comments, and yes, she really did say my splooge is her bread. This planet is getting pretty darn weird and I don't think I like it anymore.

When Women Say They Like Funny Guys

Every damn time.

Note: I found this image of the lucky douchebag who's currently banging Kristen Bell by googling "white guy with sunglasses", while searching for images for an unrelated project. More details coming soon. Stay tuned!

From Halloween Prop to Sex Toy in 60 Seconds

A little tape and a lot of lube make all the difference. Happy Halloween everybody!

I didn't take a picture of the final result, because that would've been way too creepy. Also, I'm too lazy and not horny enough to actually make it.

Jane Levy is Daphne from Scooby-Doo

My argument has never been so invalid in my entire life. And by 'argument', I mean my penis. And by 'invalid', I mean semi-erect. And by 'in my entire life', I mean since I watched the previous episode of Suburgatory.

My Usual Reaction

Lame Pun of the Day: Hearing Aids

This heart-warming family tale came to me in a dream last night. Enjoy!

Aww, She Makes Such a Lovely Beard!

So, apparently Seth MacFarlane (38) has been dating Emilia Clarke (25) for a while now. That's nice. I just hope he doesn't find her too itchy.

Unfortunately for Mr. MacFarlane, in real life Emilia Clarke does not have a Peter on her crotch.

I'll Have 400gr of Sarah Gadon, Please

Last night I saw Brandon Cronenberg's Antiviral at Icon TLV, and it was by far the most deliciously Cronenbergian film I have seen in over a decade. Antiviral tells the story of a hideously freckled young man who works as a salesman for a company that sells interesting and exotic diseases extracted from interesting and exotic individuals to people who want to feel as close to their favorite celebrities as they possibly can without actually being in the same room with them. Something happens to this one really hot chick, and then something happens to the ginger sales guy, and a bunch of people keep eating cloned human flesh and puking up blood and sticking each other with needles, but what's really important is that from the very first scene I was once again completely immersed in the beautifully creepy world that is the lavishly diseased brain of a member of the Cronenberg clan, in a way I haven't felt like since the first time I saw Videodrome. David Cronenberg may have officially left the world of all that is good and slimy in the late '90s, but I guess that is why people feel a need to procreate, because while Antiviral is undoubtedly an entirely original creation, one which I'm sure will only gather more and more recognition as more and more viewers are exposed to it, Brandon is still very much his father's son, with all the weird and crazy shit that sort of thing tends to entail. He also seems like a really cool guy, someone I definitely wouldn't mind sharing a mugwump with, and I kinda wanted to shake his hand after the Q&A session, but that would have been kinda weird, because he's about my age, and I usually like my celebrity male crushes to be old enough to be my dad. The young Cronenberg said that he is planning to keep making movies until he runs out of Canadian government money, and if he keeps making them this good, I expect nothing less of him.

Fine, make it 600gr of Sarah Gadon. But you better make it boob meat, because I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight.

And today I saw Dredd 3D, which has some pretty cool gore and violence and not much more than that. Also, the 3D was garbage. The movie was supposedly shot on 3D, but it has so many awful converted shots (including every single close-up) that I found it completely unwatchable. Not even the lovely Olivia Thirlby could save this one, as her only job here was to have yellow hair and deliver awful, generic dialogue. What a complete waste of my time.

How I Made an Ass of Myself in front of a Four-Time BSFA Winner

It's Sukkot again, and you know what that means. That's right, once again it is time for the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival(s) at (and just next to) the Tel-Aviv Cinematheque! Among other events, last Wednesday I've attended a screening of The Prestige, which followed a discussion panel about magic, literature and cinema with British sci-fi author Christopher Priest and some douchey "psychological mentalist" whom I never really liked and now seriously despise (let's call him Nimmy, for he is now my arch-nemesis). As expected, the brilliant Mr. Priest was an absolute delight to behold when speaking, which unfortunately he didn't get do do much of, since Nimmy is one of those awful, awful people who are way too in love with the sound of their own voice to let anyone else talk in their presence. This joke of a performer then proceeded to perform a feat of so-called mentalism, which included tricking me into nodding my head slightly when asked to confirm that a specific word was in fact scribbled onto a small piece of paper, shown to me only briefly in a darkened room. Apparently psychological mentalism is just like magic, only stripped of all its style, showmanship and skill requirements, making it not much more than the art of being a good liar. Anyway, all that awful business was quickly forgotten once the screening and subsequent short Q&A session ended, and I have somehow mustered enough courage to approach Mr. Priest and nervously ask him to sign my old Hebrew copy of The Inverted World, using my usual combination of a nearly inaudible voice, a terrible accent and a stutter. Not only did he seem perfectly happy to sign it for me, he even offered to add a dedication and asked for my name! I repeat: for a few seconds in time, Christopher Priest, celebrated author of The Inverted World, The Space Machine, The Prestige and The Extremes actually knew and committed to paper my very own first name! And I even got a nice, firm handshake, followed by a wonderfully awkward series of reciprocal thank-you's! Mr. Priest, you are a gentleman and an absolute sweetheart, and I am never going to wash my right hand again, except maybe after using the bathroom, and before eating, and possibly if it gets too dirty, but other than that I'm going to leave it just as you had left it, covered with the shiny film of your mighty literary awesomeness.

The Inverted World by Christopher Priest, printed in Israel in 1980.

I'm totally saving the pen he used in an airtight plastic bag for all eternity.

The other movies I've seen for far at Icon TLV are as follows:

• Safety not Guaranteed, a very cool indie comedy about some dork who thinks he can time travel and save some hot chick who was nice to him once, starring the amazing Aubrey Plaza and that guy from The League.
• A Fantastic Fear of Everything, a hilariously dark comedy directed by Crispian Mills (of Kula Shaker fame) in which the mildly annoying Simon Pegg plays a children's author who suffers from a life debilitating phobia of laundromats, and also of 19th century serial killers.
• Dead Shadows, a French horror/sci-fi movie about an asteroid that turns French people into freaky tentacle monsters. I didn't really care much for any of the characters in the movie, but the body horror effects were definitely worth the price of admission.

Aubrey Plaza is as pretty as an extremely pretty young woman.

Finally, this Monday I'm going to attend a screening of Antiviral, Brandon Cronenberg's first feature film, which he will attend himself. And oh yeah, apparently some dude is going to sit right next to me, as I have just found out on the ticket website. Fucking great. Not creepy at all, strange dude. Not creepy at all.

Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl

Oh, and that other Icon festival, the one that isn't Icon TLV and takes place at the high school behind the cinematheque? Well, I did pay it a couple of quick visits, but since I much prefer sitting by myself in a dark room and staring into a big screen than actually interacting with my fellow geeks, it isn't really my thing. I will say this though: if you like them cute, pale and underage, the other Icon festival is definitely the place to be.

I Think I Just Got Loopus!

Today I went to see Looper, the new R-rated neo-noir time travel sci-fi thriller written and directed by Rian Johnson (the brilliant mind behind Brick) starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis as Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emily Blunt as a blonde with a southern accent and Piper Perabo as a hooker with adorable little boobies. Sounds like a recipe for a huge disappointment, doesn't it? Well, unfortunately for all you pessimistic assholes out there (me included, naturally), it is not. Looper is just as amazing a film as its premise makes it sound, and so much more. It's set 30 years in the future but it doesn't shove that fact down your throat, the acting is solid all around, the writing and directing are obviously of the highest quality imaginable, the time travel rules are a little weird but still extremely cool, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's makeup is totally freaky but not too distracting, and it literally has the best booty-call-via-frog scene I have ever seen in my entire life. If you're a fan of all that is good and pure, it does not get much better than this big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey cinematic stuff.

IMDB said Looper was rated R for nudity (among other awesome things), but I did not expect to see Ms. Perabo wearing nothing but her undies! Good stuff. Good, good stuff.

And eariler this week I went to see the new Resident Evil movie, but since it didn't seem to have a plot or a script or any acting to speak of I don't really have much to say about it, other than that I did have some fun staring at a 3D Milla Jovovich wearing nothing but a couple of post-it notes, and that I'm definitely looking forward to the next movie in the franchise, mostly just because I really like flying monsters.

Haiku of the Day: Last Night on the Bus

When you spread your legs,
I can see your underwear.
White was a nice choice.

No, I did not get to see Tracy Spiridakos's undies last night, but I sure wish I could, because she is absolutely gorgeous and if there is one reason to watch Revolution, she is it. Whoever said Greek girls aren't hot was retarded.

Last Night at the Apoptygma Berzerk Concert

Update: and now there's a photo!

And the Most Awkward Clapping at a Concert award goes to...