Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tequila - it makes me creepy!

Today I watched the unrated DVD of The Ruins, a horror movie set in Mexico starring the adorable Jena Malone and that ice dude who had an itsy bitsy thing for a penis in Wolf Girl, and I enjoyed it very much. The only reason why I bought it on DVD without having watched it first was because Jena Malone wears a tiny little bikini in one of the first scenes. The only reason why I've decided to watch it today for the first time is because I saw the book on which the movie is based on sale, and I wanted to know how good the story is before purchasing it. The Ruins is about a group of attractive American students who for some reason decide to go on vacation in Mexico, of all places. After seeing this movie there's absolutely no way I'm ever going to visit Mexico, or any other country where they have poop in the water for that matter. When you open the tap and out comes poopy water, it's a sure sign that you'll probably be better off somewhere else. Anyway, so these kids are pretty and young and dumb, so obviously when some dude with a creepy German accent suggests that they join him on a hike to some sort of ancient ruins nobody's ever heard of they just take one look at the map he apparently just doodled on an old paper napkin and say yes. Once they finally arrive at the site, a bunch of scary Mayan-looking dudes chase them up a pyramid using bows and arrows as well as guns, where they have to fight for their lives against mutant man-eating marijuana plants or something. It may sound kinda silly, but there's something very disturbing about evil plant life, like it's something that shouldn't exist, not even in our minds, something wrong, something unimaginable, something nobody's ever bothered to warn us about. I will never look at a pretty little red flower the same way again. The Ruins isn't just about gore and special effects, but it does have some very creepy and graphic moments, like a double leg amputation under field conditions and a guy digging through someone's flesh with a big knife while looking for these evil little worm-like weeds under the skin. Jenna Malone remains fully clothed after her brief but delicious bikini appearance, but we do get to see her blonde best friend with absolutely no clothes on pretty early in the movie, including some very plentiful sideboob. I wish I could find someone who'll like me enough to give me a handjob while her knee is still gushing blood. The problem is, as the movie progresses, you get to see more of her bare flesh than you probably wanted to. Unless, that is, if you're the sort of person who enjoys watching hot chicks carve themselves up like a Thanksgiving tofurkey. And have you ever noticed how cute chicks look even sexier with fake blood and guts all over their faces and bodies? Jena Malone looks absolutely delightful playing a messy, bloody corpse. I've liked her ever since I first saw her in Donnie Darko. Gawd, what an overrated piece of crap that movie was. I should probably watch Southland Tales at some point, since I already have it on DVD for some reason. And they haven't started showing The Box here, but the trailer looks pretty awful. Anyway. I really liked this movie, so I'm definitely going to pick up the paperback edition of The Ruins, which I'll get to just as soon as I'm done with the very girly book I'm currently reading and the Philip K. Dick novel I'll be reading after that.

Jena Malone has really nice pits

And yesterday I watched Cashback, a British comedy about some art school douche who is so messed up over breaking up with Michelle Ryan that he can't sleep at night, so he gets a job at his local supermarket where he spends his nights stopping time and imagining the female clientele with no clothes on. For a film with a naked lady on the poster it doesn't really have that much nudity, but it was pretty refreshing to see a chick's labia in a mainstream movie, even if it was only from the back as she was climbing up some stairs. Ah, to be young and horny and have a Swedish female exchange student staying at your house. I really need to find out the name that actress as soon as possible. Google image search is a pretty handy tool when you're homely and alone.

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