Thursday, February 11, 2010

You're cute, I could just eat you alive!

Today I watched Zombie Strippers, a zombie comedy starring former burn victim Robert Englund and former chick who lets strange dudes stick it to her on camera for cash Jenna Jameson, and I very much enjoyed it, even though on many level it's pure crap, and not always in a good way. In the near future George W. Bush wins a fourth term at the White House (the movie was made before Will Smith took over) which plunges America into a bunch of wars with several Middle Eastern countries and at some point even with Canada, apparently because W. wants to get his grubby little hands on all that delicious maple syrup the mean Mounties have been sitting on all those years. He also makes public nudity illegal, probably in order to gain some sort of control over those two little whores who call him daddy (gawd, I wish I had a little whore who'd call me daddy, preferably one I wouldn't be related to). The problem is, there are way too many wars and not nearly enough American soldiers to fight them. The obvious solution? A genetically engineered virus that turns people into zombies! You shoot down an American soldier in the battlefield and he just shakes the bullets off and keeps going, twice as ugly and unburdened by any of those pesky human distractions like a pulse or a soul! This obviously leads to some sort of breakout, and a special forces dork who got himself infected with the zombie virus ends up at this sleazy and highly illegal strip club that's full of disgusting horny slobs and "hot" chicks with big plastic boobs who look like they'd be happy to pleasure you in a back room for a price while wearing a blank expression on their semen-weary faces and then cry about it in the shared bathroom. After the zombified dork bites the head stripper's throat open she dies and turns into a zombie herself, but the cool thing is that in no way does it stop her from doing her job. On the contrary, as a reanimated corpse she's a better stripper than ever, wilder and sexier and way more bloodthirsty. The slobbering customers can't help but throw all their slimy, crumpled dollar bills at her, even though everybody know how a private lap dance from a zombie usually ends, and now all the other strippers in the joint want some of that sweet zombie virus too, which leads to more onscreen undead stripping and even more fun, gory zombifications! Now, this isn't a good movie in any way, but it's so much fun that you never even begin to care, especially once all that cool gore and various boobs start flying around the screen. The occasional CGI shots usually stink pretty bad, but the practical and makeup effects are absolutely stunning throughout, from the zombie makeup and bite wounds to the more elaborate effects like punching a hole through someone's stomach or ripping some dude's jaw clear off his face, a nasty bit that's always been one of my favorite ways of facial mutilation in horror movies. That's also probably where all the film's budget went to, because in every other way the production values here are pretty bad, which is something I would have probably payed a lot more attention to if they hadn't kept throwing all that naked undead flesh at me. I did manage to notice how the acting, if you insist on calling it that, was ridiculously awful, but, well, you get the point. I just didn't care. It's gory, sleazy and simply loads and loads of fun, and to expect anything more is just plain dumb. To paraphrase something that a wise person has told me once, boobs are like zombies are like cheese. They make everything better.

If you think Jenna Jameson looks scary here, scroll down a little

Jenna Jameson will always be the porn goddess of my teenage years, and it truly saddens me to see what's become of her physically in recent years. Don't get me wrong, she still looks pretty damn hot in Zombie Strippers, giant plastic boobs and giant plastic lips and all, but recent photographic evidence says otherwise. Oh well. We'll always have those legendary multi-angle videos of her from the late '90s, when her talent was at its peak. Those wonderfully ill-compressed gems of early internet porn have gotten me through some pretty difficult times in the past, and I'm sure they'll serve me just as well in the future.

Jenna Jameson's charred remains

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