Thursday, February 18, 2010

Let my kittens go!

Today I went to see The Book of Eli, a post-apocalyptic movie directed by the Hughes brothers and starring the annoyingly hunky Denzel Washington, the deliciously nasal-voiced Mila Kunis and Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg (also known by his Indian name: Smokes Cigarette with Big Explosion in the Background), and I enjoyed it quite a bit, even though there is not too much originality to it. The first scene was a pretty gigantic turn off for me, though it's very possible that the obnoxious dude with the huge plastic-wrapped meaty sandwich who sat across the aisle from me made it seem worse than it really was. In that scene Denzel Washington, who plays some sort of futuristic black dude with a really bad mid-life crisis, stalks an adorable hairless cat and shoots an arrow into its belly, so he could later share its cooked flesh with a friendly rat and make a chapstick out of the leftovers. Poor, poor little kitty. Pretty good CGI and dead cat puppet though. It really did feel like they actually murdered a cute and defenceless creature in cold blood for the scene. Anyway, about 30 years ago there was some sort of big nuclear war, after which most people forgot how to read and not eat each other, and now our feline butcher here is wandering around this big wasteland that used to be North America, carrying a big leather-bound bible around with him, listening to crap on his aging iPod and kicking major ass whenever a major ass kicking is required. Apparently that doesn't include young chicks who are about to get merrily gang-raped and then probably killed for their meat, because our guy here is a man on a mission, and a gawdly one at that, so he can't let anything distract him from it. One day Eli, I guess that's his name, stumbles into this really crappy little town where people seem to have some water to trade, water being an extremely precious commodity in post-apocalyptic movies, but when he manages to get himself into a really cool bar fight it raises the interest of Gary Oldman, who basically owns the whole town. In order to persuade Eli to work for him, the bad guy tries to set him up with Mila Kunis, whose mom he's currently banging. The Jebus freak manages to keep it in his pants, as I guess futuristic movie heroes are contractually obliged to do, only now the ridiculously attractive little brat wants to tag along as he tries to make it to the west coast while eluding Gary Oldman, who wants Eli's bible for himself, because apparently it's the last bible on the planet, since for some reason people used to be really into that whole book burning thing after the war. The movie is sort of pretty to look at, with everything almost completely desaturated and tinted brown, and the few fight scenes are truly spectacular, with heads and various body parts flying in every direction, but most of it is just painfully familiar. It's fun to watch, even if it is rather slow paced and not all that exciting, but I had expected much more from the guys who made the delightfully evil From Hell. And I hope it's not too big a spoiler, but is there some sort of unwritten movie rule that says that post-apocalyptic films are required to have Malcolm McDowell in a key role? I'm not complaining, because he is pretty awesome after all, I just find it a little odd. The best thing about this movie is that if they ever decide to make a sequel, one that would obviously have to star Mila Kunis, it would be just about the awesomest post-post-apocalyptic movie ever! There is nothing quite as sexually appealing as a really cute chick who can totally kick your ass. If that ever happens, I'd be more than willing to forgive The Book of Eli for each and every one of its flaws.

I want to see Mila Kunis kick butt for Jebus, braless

I've recently watched the two animated Hellboy features, and sadly I wasn't too impressed with either of them, mostly because they look like kids' cartoons, only with much better monsters. The animation sort of reminded me of the old animated Batman show, but what looked impressive on television 20 years ago rarely looks as good today. And speaking of Hellboy-related things that looked better 20 years ago! The lovely Selma Blair is going to turn 38 this year, and according to recent beach photos that wonderful boobless body of hers still looks pretty hot, but her age is starting to show anyway. It's kinda sad, but I guess it's way better than getting a brand new plastic face, like the kind that makes Nicole Kidman look like the pathetic freak that she is.

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