Thursday, January 20, 2011

No Natalie Portman, I really don't want to sleep with you

Today I went to see Black Swan, and I guess that the parts of it that didn't bore the shit out of me were pretty hilarious, in an unintentional sort of way. Black swan is a movie about a ballet dancer chick who makes out with Mila Kunis and then turns into a duck. That was the film's basic premise and I guess that's what I got, but I'd expected a whole lot more from Darren Aronofsky. I absolutely loved Pi, and I really liked Requiem for a Dream, though I swore to never see it again after the first time I saw it (and then I bought it on DVD, and then I bought another copy), and I was completely blown away by The Fountain, but ever since then it's like Mr. Aronofsky has completely lost his mind. First he made a movie about professional wrestling, which is the gayest thing that a low class homosexual can watch without being called a fag, and then he made a movie about ballet, which is the gayest thing that a high class homosexual can watch without being called a fanny bandit. At least wrestling has some hot chicks in it, which I can hardly say about ballet. Dear Darren Aronofsky, please seek professional help as soon as possible and stop making boring, gay movies! I guess the last 20 minutes of Black Swan were kind of cool, when things actually start getting intense, but during most of it I just begged Natalie Portman's character to start making out with Mila Kunis or TURN INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DUCK ALREADY! And speaking of Ms. Portman, I think I'm starting to seriously dislike her. Have you seen her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes? Really awful stuff. She definitely deserves the 2011 Golden Globe Award for most off-putting laugh in an award show. Also, she has like zero sex appeal, despite having pointy, pointy nipples. Okay, so her masturbation scenes in the movie were sort of nice, and she did look pretty great in full black swan makeup, but that's about it. And guess what! Just as I have predicted here over a year ago, the much anticipated lesbian sex scene did in fact contain zero boobs. No boobs whatsoever. It was completely boobless. 100% boob free. What ever happened to the guy who could make Jennifer Connelly show her bush on camera?! What an utter waste. Black Swan had a pretty good potential to be a cool and interesting horror thriller, but instead Darren Aronofsky has decided to trick me into watching skinny chicks prance around the screen for two hours, and shame on him for that. At least I've managed to learn one important thing from the whole experience: real ladies pee standing up.

Remember how hot Natalie Portman used to be like 17 years ago?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Sort of.

In other news, I saw this ultra orthodox dude at a bookstore today, browsing through a book about Justin Bieber. I guess it's good to know that some of them like girls too, and not just young boys.

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