Foolproof Pick-up Line #9

Swedish Dragons in Tel-Aviv

Yesterday was the best day ever! First, I woke up from a dream in which I totally made out with Caroline Dhavernas. Then, my Papo T-rex came in the mail. And then I went to see Little Dragon perform live at the Barby in Tel-Aviv! Yukimi Nagano, their Swedish-Japanese singer, is now officially the sexiest Asian female on the planet. That's right, even more so than that Japanese cam chick I like. You know who I'm talking about. The one with the eyes and the plastic boobs. Yeah. Even sexier than her. Her looks, the way she sings, the way she moves, the way she talks to the audience, her stage presence and charisma, it's all pretty much, for lack of a better word, perfect. And the music? Well, usually I can't stand it when people describe their favorite music as 'orgasmic', because music is supposed to be a little more than something one does with one's peepee, but I'm pretty sure I came in my pants at least five times during those truly incredible 100 minutes. I was going to get a ticket for the Cut Copy show next month, but now it feels like that would pale in comparison with what Little Dragon did to my head last night. I think it's going to be a really long time before I get to witness anything remotely this awesome, which is kind of sad, but also pretty cool. The opening act was an Israeli band called Computer Camp. They have a really great name and their music is almost just as good, so I really enjoyed them too. The only disappointment I had was that Little Dragon have this song that sounds like they're using a theremin in it, but they didn't use one last night. Too bad. Theremins are the bee's knees.

Yukimi Naganois, last night at the Barby. This photo was taken from an Israeli website that has a retarded person for a music critic

And here is a photo taken last night, in which I am clearly visible. I'm the dude with all the ugly rubbed off of his stupid face. The guy who took the photo and posted it on Facebook never asked for my permission to take my picture, and so I feel no obligation to give him a credit. Thanks though!

Also, I look really fat in the photo, which I'm pretty sure is his fault

So yeah, as soon as I got home I added Yukimi Naganois to my Facebook list of people who inspire me to do the happy peepee dance. I still can't believe she'd rather boink some sleazy South American folk singer than make out with a perfectly nice Middle Eastern fat dork.

Clash of the Papo Dinosaurs!

Today I got my new Papo T-rex in the mail! I first saw its kind at the natural history museum in Berlin two years ago and instantly fell in love with it, but I was just too damn cheap to get one for myself, so I got a little velociraptor instead, which is still really nice, but not nearly as impressive. And now I have both! While they both look great and are beautifully detailed, neither of them is scientifically correct, because their design is based on the Jurassic Park dinosaurs, but in my opinion that's even better than the real thing. When I first took the T-rex out of the box, which was pretty smooshed up, he seemed a little disoriented, and put up a bit of a fight.

But after a short while he came around, and started sniffing his new surroundings.

And within a couple of minutes he felt comfortable enough to pose and smile for the camera.

This is my two year old velociraptor.

He was pretty suspicious when he heard about this new addition to the family.

They didn't really get along at first.

But after a swift display of dominance, things became much clearer.

And the two quickly became the best of friends. Now they love to goof around together!

And they do have their tender moments.

But mostly they just love to make each other laugh!

Leave me alone, I'm drunk!

See also: v2.0

And a happy birthday to Benny too!

Happy Birthday Caroline Dhavernas!

That's right, it's that wonderful time of the year again when we celebrate the birth of the prettiest Canadian actress in modern history, the lovely and talented Caroline Dhavernas! This year I've decided to celebrate it by watching the movie Devil, in which she has a tiny little part playing some sort of police chick, but you may choose to go the traditional way and simply blow a nice, sticky load at your computer screen in her honor.

Don't worry Caroline, I'm just kidding! You know how much I love and respect you and always will, forever and ever and ever and ever!

In related news: Ms. Dhavernas' 33rd birthday also means that in exactly 9 years from today Steve Carell will finally be able to play the main role in a movie based on my very own life, or lack thereof. Hooray!

Amber Tamblyn is coming to Israel!!!

Or possibly she's already here! I didn't even know she was on House, and I haven't the slightest idea what it could possibly have to do with coming to the smelly creamy center of the Middle East along with three other cast members, but it's definitely good news for the quality of my masturbatory fantasies in the next couple of weeks. I've always had a thing for her, for obvious reasons, and did you know that her dad was the silly doctor in Twin Peaks? So weird. I mean, he's a totally cool dude, but cute and pretty he is not, while she most definitely is. Oh my gawd, is she cute and pretty. And I've read in an interview with her from 6 years ago that while she isn't Jewish herself, she totally has a thing for nice Jewish boys, and she hopes to settle down with one some day in the future. So yeah, Ms. Amber Tamblyn, I am definitely single, I'm pretty sure I'm straight, I can be very nice when I want to, I am very much Jewish (Jewish mother and mutilated penis included) and I am 100% STD free, so if you happen to be in the general Tel-Aviv area in the next few days and you feel like popping a well overdue Jewish cherry, feel free to contact me at sadjewishdork@gmail.com at any time, day or night. See you soon!

Oh, and could you bring some protection? I'm fresh out

How to boost traffic to your blog!

Well, according to my Blogger statistics reports, the best way to boost traffic is to include at least one photo of an attractive young female in every single post. These ladies should be fairly well known, but not so much so that your post would be forever lost among millions of other pages about them online. And you should probably mention her full name a couple of times. And also, something filthy. You can never go wrong with something filthy. Here are three fine examples, starring the beautiful and talented Danielle Panabaker, Shannyn Sossamon and Claire Forlani:

Danielle Panabaker may be totally adorable, but chances are that she gave her junior high boyfriend a sloppy, drunken BJ on their first real date and forgot not to swallow

Shannyn Sossamon is quite obviously one seriously gorgeous individual, but I'm pretty sure I've read somewhere that she lost her ass virginity in a filthy gas station men's room to some douche who thought her name was Sharon

Everybody knows that Claire Forlani is an extremely classy broad, but her husband probably can't even look her in the eyes anymore ever since that time she let him go number one all over her boobs in an attempt to spice up their marriage

Yeah. That sort of stuff. Please note that most of the traffic this method gets you comes from image search engines, so odds are that nobody will actually read your posts. Also, no girls. So if you're counting on the woman of your dreams to find your blog this way and fall madly in love with all your stupid crap, then you are sadly mistaken.

Blondes have more thun(der)

This week I went to see Thor, and I guess I could have been able to somewhat enjoy it, but unfortunately it is currently only playing in 3D in this part of the world, and so I was left with a cinematic experience that was even more frustrating than it was boring. I did kind of like the goofy parts of the movie that took place on Earth, especially in comparison to the ones that took place in the parallel dimension known in ancient Norse mythology as Greenscreenland and were just too cheesy to really enjoy, but yeah, fake 3D? It's still evil. I mean, the 3D conversion wasn't completely awful, and I'm pretty sure that at least some of the CGI was rendered in 3D and not just converted in post production, but the whole idea is still basically flawed, because in order to produce a convincing conversion to 3D of standard footage one would have to recreate it completely in CG, which would never make any sort of sense. Using current technologies, 3D conversions simply cannot deal with scenes that include visuals such as reflections, transparencies, individual hairs, rain drops, snow flakes, dust particles and smoke clouds, which are all present in abundance in Thor, and the end result will always look unnatural and distorted. My guess is that in 2D, Thor would have been just another generic Marvel movie in an endless sea of generic Marvel movies that are still kind of fun to watch on a big screen, but having to see it in 3D just made me depressed, so much so that I now will have to seriously consider not going to the Captain America and Green Lantern movies this summer. Oh well. At least Kat Dennings was still totally adorable. I'd definitely go see Thor 3: Kat Dennings' Revenge for Not Getting Enough Screen Time come 2016, even if they'll only have it in 3D here, which they probably will.

Kat Dennings demands that you to look up her leaked naked
pictures online and do the happy peepee dance to them!

In other news: during my last Booze Night I've found out that Alison Brie is Jewish, so yeah, guess who is now officially in love again. Sigh.

I want to have lots of gawd-fearing children by Alison Brie