Attack of the Fake 3D Superheroes

Last week both the Captain America and Green Lantern movies came out here, and since I refuse to set foot in the local theaters that screen them in regular 2D, the way gawd intended them to be viewed, I was forced to see them both in horrible fake 3D. Ugh. Now here's a brief rundown of each film's basic pros and cons:

Captain America, Pros:

• An extremely neat '40s vibe.
• A heartwarming and hopeful tale of a sad little geek turned superhero.
• An AWESOME surprise musical number!
• Hugo Weaving is very cool and very creepy as Red Skull, as expected.
• The skinny version of Chris Evans is executed almost flawlessly.
• Hayley Atwell is oh so very pretty, despite a severe case of unfortunately oversized boobage.

Captain America, Cons:

• There is very little originality to the story, which doesn't really add up to much and much like its predecessors in the Marvel movie universe it ultimately serves as very little more than a prequel to next year's The Avengers.
• A complete and utter waste of a perfectly good Tommy Lee Jones.
• While Hugo Weaving's Red Skull makeup looks pretty good, it does suffer from a pretty bad case of 'it's bigger on the inside'.
• Fake 3D is stupid, ugly, pointless, clumsy and just plain wrong.

Green Lantern, Pros:

• A vast array of freaky space aliens of all shapes, colors and sizes!!!!!
• In addition to flying, Green Lanterns can pretty much create anything they want (as long as it's green), which might seem a little dumb, and I'm not saying it's not, but it's also one of the coolest superpowers ever!
• Ryan Reynolds is totally hot, even if he did do his best work in Two Guys and a Girl, which came to an end over a decade ago.
• The bad guy starts out as a dorky little geek with a mildly prominent forehead, and ends up as a supervillain with a freakishly prominent forehead!

Green Lantern, Cons:

• I didn't much care for any part of the movie that didn't involve crazy space aliens. It just wasn't very engaging or interesting in any sort of way.
• Awful, awful acting, courtesy of the entire human cast.
• The aliens may be kind of cool, but they don't look even remotely real. The few that are played by actors look like dudes in makeup, while the rest look like cartoons.
• Blake Lively is just meh. I don't really get what people see in her. On the plus side, her boobs are a lot nicer than Ms. Atwell's.
• Fake 3D is annoying, senseless, greedy, distracting and just plain painful to watch.

I still haven't decided which of the two I liked better. Captain America is obviously the better film, but it seriously lacks in the space aliens department. Green Lantern has a bunch of them, but the rest of it is kind of stupid and boring. So how about we just call it a tie and start waiting patiently for The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises. They're both less than a year away, and are virtually guaranteed to be, well, not sucky.