Foolproof Pick-up Line #25

I'm So Glad My Death is Optional

Yesterday I went to see The Cabin in the Woods, and I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but I will say that I had a really good time watching it (the third act was literally mind blowing and so, so much fun!) and that while you do get to see this chick's pretty little boobies,

Anna Hutchison, aka The Dumb Blonde

...you never get to see hers:

Kristen Connolly, aka The Adorable Virgin (sort of)

If it were up to me I would have liked to have it the other way around, but the movie is just fine the way it is. Also, Fran Kranz is absolutely hilarious and the Hemsworth brothers (I watched Triangle the other day) are way too big and handsome to be taken seriously. The thing is, as much as I've enjoyed the whole Whedonish vibe, I still have a pretty bad feeling about The Avengers, which promises to be a far less genre bending piece. Will Joss be able to bring new life into the Marvel universe after a series of less than inspired 3D converted yawn fests? The question still remains to be seen.

Why I Don't Need a Smartphone

It's simple: why would I need a way to go online on the go, when I can't beat off on the bus? I mean, I suppose one could find a use for a portable porn machine in a public restroom or something, but I'm a urinal guy and not a stall guy, so things could get pretty awkward pretty quickly.

My dear, beautiful Gigi, I would gladly buy a hundred stupid overpriced phones if you'd only return to the business

See also: Why I Don't Need a Smartphone, Part II.

I believe you missed a spot there, ma'am

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part IV


Earth Hour 2012, local edition. I had to wait through almost an hour of awfulness for less than 30 minutes of awesomeness, but I totally got what I came for.

I didn't really care for this little chicky's music, but I still think she's pretty adorable.

Still, the Best Looking Broad of the Night award goes to this lovely young lady, who danced so prettily on stage that I didn't even mind the unsightly hair.

Update, later that day:

Holy crap, a smoking hot blonde (she was blonde tonight) AND she can sing like a father flipper!

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

Daddy Issues in Outer Space

This week I went to see Lockout, a Luc Besson produced sci-fi-ish thriller about an amnesiac cop who has to save the president's daughter from a maximum security prison in outer space, and it was kinda dumb, but also sort of fun. Sure, the movie is chock full of genre clichés, the plot doesn't make any kind of real sense and Guy Pearce and Maggie Grace (of Lost fame) do an awful job playing the two main characters (he's about as funny as a Holocaust documentary and she's extremely pretty but about as sexy as a yellow haired doorknob, though she does get considerably hotter after her prison makeover) but Joseph Gilgun is just as awesome as he was on Misfits (he would've looked just as crazy and menacing even without all those scars and tattoos) and the special effects are pretty good and I never got too bored watching it, so I guess I'm not too angry with Mr. Besson. The worst thing about the movie? Guy Pearce is 16 years older than Maggie Grace, which means he probably started having sex before she was even conceived, which means he's old enough to be her father, so throughout the entire thing I kept praying to the hairy guy upstairs to please please please whatever you do just don't make them kiss in the end, because he's way too old for her and the two of them have zero screen chemistry and the thought of them together makes me blow chunks. Well, they never actually kissed, but the final scene was just as bad. Yuck.

Maggie Grace in better days. I guess Iraqis don't really care about a girl's personality, as long as she looks good in a bikini.

Bonus haiku:

Dubstep's not so bad
Makes me wish I had someone
To bone me to it.

What's Tiny and Russian and Totally Awesome?

Last night I went to see Zola Jesus perform live in Tel-Aviv and it was just totally great, if a little on the short side. The music, her voice, the scary guy banging the drums, everything was just dead on, but the best thing about the show was when during one of her songs Ms. Danilova left the stage to walk between the huddled masses, where at one point she kinda rubbed up against me, or possibly she was just trying to push me back to get past me. Whatever it was, last night she totally earned her place in the top 5 sexual experiences of my life, pushing that one time I almost made out with Ellen Page in a dream to sixth place. Congratulations.

DEM PITZ

(Photo courtesy of some guy who was there and took it with his fancy camera and put his watermark on the lower right corner. It's way too hot today to take it out, so there it is)


Bonus haiku:

Neighbor having sex
Your girlfriend is really loud
Just finish her off

Redheads are the Reason the Good Lawrd Created the Color Orange

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part III

You know the drill.

All that AND a spectacular rear end!

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

How to Check if a Shabbat Hot Plate is Turned On

Here are three possible ways to perform this complicated task:

[A]

[B]

[C]

• If you picked option [A], then you are in possession of a fully functional brain.
• If you picked option [C], then you are most likely mentally handicapped, or possibly a small child.
• If you picked option [B], then you are probably me.

Sigh.

Leave Me Alone, I'm Drunk v2.0

Since the original has faded almost completely, I had to make a new one. Enjoy!

Wikipedia is a Treacherous, Two-Headed Bitch

The last time I looked up Wrath of the Titan on Wikipedia, which was about a couple of months ago, it said that unlike its predecessor, the new movie was shot in native 3D. Yesterday I went to see it, and from the first few frames of footage it became painfully clear that I had just wasted perfectly good money on yet another 3D converted mess. Sure, 3D conversions aren't the eyesores they used to be two years ago, and the CGI in the movie, of which there's quite a bit, was clearly rendered in 3D, but had I known about it beforehand, there's no way I'd have entered the theater willingly. How was the movie then? Well, these movies don't really have much to offer other than big scary monsters, and I guess those weren't all that bad, and there was also this one scene in some sort of maze that was really cool, but I still wish I were smart enough to avoid it altogether. And the moral of the story is: when in doubt, always check Wikipedia right before going to the movies.

And since I didn't find any of the actresses in Wrath of the Titans to be particularly fap-worthy, here is a photo of the luscious Sarah Jones, who looked so pretty on Alcatraz that I barely even noticed her mediocre acting skills!

And what's with those oversized boobs anyway? I'm so tired of getting a semi-chubby every time she runs after someone

Honest Mistake

My Foolproof, One of a Kind Flirting Technique for Dating Sites

Step 1: Visit the profile page of a woman you're interested in.

Step 2: Read it.

Step 3: Look at the pictures.

Step 4 (optional): Fap to said pictures.

Step 5: And that's it.

Forever Fapone

Results may vary.