Agent B. Approves (Elfman Double Feature Part II)

Yesterday I went to see Men in Black 3, and surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty good! I've always loved the original Men in Black (despite my deep, burning hatred for everything that is Will Smith), but the 2002 sequel was a huge letdown (I think the script went something like: "Here's a weird looking alien, here's another weird looking alien, and hey look, over there we've got another weird looking alien. The End") so I was more than a little suspicious this time around, which is why I couldn't be happier to find the new movie deliciously delightful and just so, so much fun! I mean, who would have thought that transporting a gentleman of darker complexion with an attitude problem into the 1960s would actually be a good idea! If I thought '90s aliens were awesome then the '60s variety totally blew my mind, and you also get Andy Warhol played by a generic SNL comedian AND the profoundly hilarious Jemaine Clement (whose baby I definitely wouldn't mind having) as a big scary one-armed time-traveling space alien! I also found it pretty funny that in a sci-fi comedy about time travel, the only thing that didn't make sense to me was how a smoking hot piece of ass like the unnaturally lovely Alice Eve turns into Emma Thompson in only 40 years' time, because we all know what Mrs. Thompson looked like when she was younger, and she was never that hot, or even at all. Which is a little weird, but also says a lot about the quality of the script, written by some Jewish guy I've never heard of whose writing credits include Madagascar 2. Yeah. Hopefully they'll hire him once again to write MIB4: Black Suits on the Grassy Knoll, in which we'll finally learn who fake-assassinated America's first Alpha-Centauri-Catholic president and why there were no evidence of his long fluffy double-ended tail at the scene of the supposed crime.

Alice Eve desperately wants you to look up her nude scenes from Crossing Over and fap to them like the diseased, sex starved chimps that you know you are

And guess what! I got to see the movie in spectacular, jaw-dropping 2D! Thank you Yes Planet for not making my eyes bleed from the awful fake 3D!

Hottest. Werewolf. EVER. (Elfman Double Feature Part I)

This week I went to see Dark Shadows, and it was easily the most fun I've had at a Tim Burton film since 1999! Sure, it's kinda dumb and utterly forgettable, the script is a huge mess, Jonny Lee Miller is tragically underused and Eva Green is just plain gross (which brings to mind the Fellatio Theorem), but the whole vampires and witches and ghosts aspect was thoroughly entertaining, Bella Heathcote is oh so very pretty, Chloë Moretz is seriously creepy as a surprisingly luscious and frightfully illegal teenage girl, the soundtrack is loaded with neat '70s songs (which was a nice addition to the usual Danny Elfman poomlah-poomlah-poomlah routine), and yeah, the whole movie is basically one big goofy cheese ball chock full of silly horror soap goodness. The biggest problem I had with Dark Shadows was that it's just a movie and not a two-hour pilot episode for a new television remake of the original show, because I would definitely watch the poop out of something like that.

The Australians are coming - better hide the women and children.

Also: the sexiest werewolf chick I have ever, ever seen. And that includes Katharine Isabelle in Ginger Snaps, Julie Delpy in American Werewolf in Paris, Judy Greer in Cursed and even Meghan Ory in Once Upon a Time.

Haiku of the Day: Black and White Redheads are Still Pretty Amazing

My Kindle and I
We're growing closer as friends
Jacked off to E-ink.

I'm so used to going incognito that I totally forgot clearing your browser history was still a thing. Thank you Kloe Kane!

Ode to Sunglasses

Fatties Gonna Fat

(Crudely drawn on two A4 sheets of paper without tracing, comparing or revising frames while looking at a much better GIF animation. In other words, I have no idea what I'm doing.)

Haiku of the Day: The Boldest of All Experiments

Dating sites are great
For collecting excuses
For rejecting me

The Avengers: Complete and Unabridged Review

So, today I finally went to see The Avengers, and found it to be grossly overrated.

The End.

Now, this is where I wanted to send a big thank you to the (eventually) kind people at Yes Planet who've been starting to give movie goers the option to see 3D movies in glorious, eye-popping, mouth-watering 2D, but they lost all their points today when they allowed a large group of the most monstrous little children I have ever had the displeasure to witness to enter the theater unaccompanied by an adult. Shame on you.

And here is a photo of Cobie Smulders in her underwear, because apparently pictures of hot chicks are all my blog is good for

Haiku of the Day: I already miss Community

Dear Alison Brie:
If I thought I might be gay,
Would you sleep with me?

I'm still not going to watch Mad Men though, not even for her

Busty Guy Problems

I really like Busty Girl Comics. Boobs are hilarious.

Last Night at the Theater (but not on stage)

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part V

Last night I went to this fringe theater play, and it was really good and I totally want to see more of that group, but what really caught my eye was this one chick who sat in my row. I couldn't remember her name, but I did know that I saw her on TV a couple of times a few years ago, that she had a boy's first name, that she was ridiculously younger than me and that she was so, so annoyingly gorgeous, as you can now clearly see. Enjoy!

Oh how I wish I were creepy enough not to allow her to squeeze past me without getting some clothes-on-clothes action

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

I Love You, My New Kindle Touch!

Yes, Kindle Touch. Yes, we should.

Foolproof Pick-up Line #26

Random Hangover Thoughts

1. This week I went to see the musician whose name sounds like Shmemily Carpool perform live in Tel-Aviv, and it was really great and everything, but the fact that she's married kinda ruined it for me, peepee-wise. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to fantasize about how after the show one of the security guards will invite me backstage at her request, where she'll perform several unspeakable acts upon my person using her fun parts, when I know she's got a husband waiting for her at home? Female musicians should not be getting married, at least not while they're still hot.

2. I think that the fact that every time I return home from a concert all my clothes smell like an ashtray is the universe's way of telling me to get my jeans washed more often than once a year.

3. Last booze night I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love (mostly for the lovely Analeigh Tipton), and more than anything it made me think about how completely irrelevant to my life it was. You see, the movie takes place in an alternate universe where bars are filled with nothing but friendly, attractive and available young women, and where the quickest way to a woman's heart is simply to be as honest as possible. I don't know where you live, but in the reality I inhabit the only kind of honesty women are interested in is the kind that gets them exactly what they want.

4. I think I'm basically over Emma Stone. I still think she's gorgeous and everything, but she keeps playing the same character over and over again, and the cute witty chick thing has already gotten pretty darn old.

5. Also, Ryan Gosling? I'm sorry, but I just don't get what the big deal is.

6. Finally, I watched an interview with Alison Brie today, and I am sad to report that she seems far less cute than Annie Edison. Same great boobs though.

13 year old boys aren't the only ones who desperately fap to you in their bedrooms, Analeigh Tipton! 

Haiku of the Day: I almost had a heart attack when episode 4 wasn't online on time

I really like Girls
The show, not those dickless folks
They still creep me out

Oh how I wish I were five years younger and that Lena Dunham were into fat, ugly guys, because she is positively ADORABLE. Unfortunately, judging by her movie and TV show, she likes them slim and attractive.

Bonus haiku:

Dear Lena Dunham:
You sure got purdy boobies
And a brain to match

Why I Don't Need a Smartphone, Part II

For a long, long time I was convinced that I needed to get a smartphone, and that my life would never be complete without one. Smartphones are colorful and fun to play with and pretty to look at and they make your life a whole lot easier and much more enjoyable, and absolutely everybody seems to have them these days, to the point where not owning one makes you look like a big weirdo who is just too stubborn to get with the times and join the rest of civilized society. Unfortunately, my long time status as a less-than-productive human being meant that it was quite impossible for me to acquire a smartphone for myself, and since I never believed that things were going to change for me in the future, I was forced to accept my situation and somehow keep living my life without one. Recently, however, I got a chance to have a little hands-on experience with a few smartphones, if only for a short time, and guess what? Sure, I have to agree they are indeed very neat and flashy little things, but personally I found them to be overly complicated contraptions that are ultimately not worth the high prices, the ridiculous monthly fees, the annoying maintenance issues and all the stress that comes along with them. And so, for my upcoming birthday, I've decided that if I were to purchase a portable touchscreen device, I'll be much better off getting a nice, affordable e-reader. At least that way I'd be able to put my free time into something interesting and meaningful, instead of just fingering pretty stuff pointlessly for hours on end.

And yeah, all this also applies perfectly to the matter of getting myself a girlfriend.

Including the e-reader solution.

What I'm trying to say is, I can't wait to get my filthy paws on my brand new Kindle Touch next week!

If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the next 48 hours in front of my computer, fapping vigorously to that Kate Upton dance video. See you on the other side!

See also: Why I Don't Need a Smartphone, Part I