Enjoy it while it lasts, because Kirsten Dunst is turning 30 next year and she's already baby hungry

Today I went to see Melancholia, and I guess it was okay. In Lars von Trier's latest film Kirsten Dunst is a whiny little dairy farmer who enjoys urinating outdoors and is fascinated by big stupid animals with oversized genitalia. In the first part of the story she gets married to an exquisitely handsome Swedish vampire at this disgustingly classy mansion, but oh no, she's all sad and stuff! Once we're done with the wedding video portion of the movie, we can move on to the good stuff - or can we? Spiderman's girlfriend and her circumcised sister (along with the sister's special agent husband and their annoying little brat) are all back at the mansion, and surprise surprise, Ms. Dunst is still oh so very sad. And oh yeah, there's this big blue planet that popped up a little while ago and is going to collide with the Earth real soon in a way that makes very little sense if you know anything about 4th grade astronomy (it's been hiding behind the sun all along!). The movie is very pretty to look at, especially when the big scary planet is hanging up in the sky, and I really liked the music (even though I hear Wagner wasn't exactly a huge fan of the Chosen People), but I usually prefer movies that are a little more... interesting. You do, however, get a full frontal shot and some very nice sideboob courtesy of Ms. Dunst, so if you're into that kind of stuff and you don't mind watching a blonde chick making a sad face for over two hours, go right ahead and see the film. Otherwise, just watch Bring It On again, where she's a whole lot perkier in a bunch of different ways.

Say what you will about Kirsten Dunst, but she looks pretty damn awesome when she's naked and playing with her boobs

In other news: here's a theological question for all you Jebus freaks out there - I went and bought a Santa hat today, but all they had at the store were the ones with white braids on the sides with little red ribbons. Being more or less male, is it acceptable for me to wear the hat as it is, or do I need to cut the braids off so I won't end up in Jebus-hell?

My Kingdom for an Amy Adams Muppet!

This week I went to see the new Muppets movie, and it was actually pretty great, because even though it was produced by stupid Disney the Muppets still kick all kinds of ass. Here are a few points I'd like to make:

• Amy Adams was born in August 1974, which makes her 37 years old, and six years older than Jason Segel. Despite this fact, and despite the fact that last year she pushed an entire person out of her pee hole, she still looks totally amazing in The Muppets. Good for her. I have always had a thing for Miss Piggy, and Ms. Adams looks almost exactly like her, if she were human and hot and not a felt puppet. They are also very much alike in the way that I would absolutely love to stick my hand up both of their backsides. I just hope Ms. Adams manages to keep her youthful looks until they finish shooting Man of Steel, otherwise Supes is going to end up banging an old lady.
• I really enjoyed all the celebrity flesh-puppets cameos in the movie, which are just too many to mention, except for three of them, who happen to appear in the same short scene. These include an obese child, a lesbian teenager, and a Whoopi Goldberg. The movie would have been much better without their presence.
• There's a Muppets tribute band in the movie called The Moopets, which is made up of badass lookalikes of several Muppets characters. If they ever make a Moopets movie I'd totally pay to see it, because they look like they could put on much less kid-friendly show than the original cast, and that's a pretty big advantage over them.
• I didn't have to read the movie's end credits to know that Bret McKenzie (of Flights of the Conchords fame) had something to do with it. It is just that awesomely obvious.
• Most of the movie revolves around how the Muppets have to raise $10,000,000 in order to save their old theater. What bugged me was that very early on in the film we find out that Kermit the Frog lives all by himself in a FUCKING MANSION. It would have been a whole lot easier on everyone involved if he just sold his house and moved into someplace smaller, a place more fitting to his small stature and allegedly humble demeanor.
• The worst thing about the movie? There's a fucking Pixar short before it starts, one that features talking toys! Watching this agonizing piece of CG animated cow poop only reminded me how much I loathe Pixar and everything that it stands for. Seriously Pixar, either you start making movies for people over the age of nine, or go suck on a rusty nail drenched in syphilized vaginal blood.

I'm guessing one would need some sort of X-ray vision to see if these babies would still be this nice and perky in Man of Steel

In other news: whoever thinks that Jennifer Aniston is the sexiest woman of ALL TIME (that means you, Men's Health Magazine) needs to get their stupid head examined, because even back in 1994 she was just an okay looking girl with nice boobs and an unfortunate butter face.

Scarred - for Her Pleasure!

Tired of all your boring old dildos, the smooth ones, the ribbed ones, even the big veiny ones? Well, you should be, because those dildos are for fucking pussies! Introducing the Benny 4700: cast from the semi-erect, pathetic little member of a pathetic little manchild who has been abusing himself on a daily basis for over twenty years without using any form of lubrication, this painfully average sized dildo guarantees an unusually bumpy and thoroughly satisfying autoerotic experience for both women and men of all ages. Now available for a limited time only in cornflower blue, lime green and realistic blood red, only at the sleaziest of sex shops in the Tel-Aviv metropolitan area!

(Inspired by foolproof pick-up line #15)

Foolproof Pick-up Line #15

You chuckled uncomfortably at the comic strip, now get the limited edition dildo!

Let go of my poor little Pinny!

A while ago I've realized that one of the most popular things on my blog is a three part series of comic strips I drew over a year ago, titled Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis. This is probably just due to the fact that whenever you search Google for pictures of uncircumcised penises you're going to get one of my crudely drawn renditions of an uncut member after a couple of scrolls, and yet, I can't help but get this funny feeling in my tummy:

Bonus haiku:

Cute girl on the bus
Has asked me to move over
She wants my Pinny

See also:
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #1
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #2
Pinny, the Uncircumcised Penis #3

Pavlov's Couch Potato

History

Part I: Over the past year I have been watching the first seven seasons of The Office during breakfast time three times a week, at a rate of two episodes per meal. After finishing season 7, I started watching the first three seasons of Parks and Recreation at the same rate.
Part II: Over the past year I have been watching the first six seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the first two seasons of Community during Booze Nights, at a rate of two to three episodes of each show per night. This constituted the first part of each Booze Night, the others being a feature film and at least four episodes of a Showtime comedy.

Last September they started airing new episodes of The Office, Parks and Recreation, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Community, which I have started watching on a weekly basis in HD. This resulted in the following problems:

Problem I: Whenever I watched an episode of The Office or Parks and Recreation, I suddenly got really hungry.
Problem II: Whenever I watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I craved booze.

After a few long, agonizing weeks, I finally came up with the following solutions:

Solution I: Instead of watching two old episodes of The Big Bang Theory (which there's no way I'll ever want to watch on a weekly basis in real time) during breakfast, I've decided to replace some of them with new episodes of The Office and Park and Recreation.
Solution II: Whenever I watch an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Community, I immediately schedule a Booze Night for the nearest possible date. This should result in a severe alcohol abuse problem, which would probably end in me dying with a big stupid smile on my face and a liver that looks like Maya Rudolph's head.

To lighten your mood at this difficult hour, here is a photo of the lovely Aubrey Plaza pouting in a strapless dress!

I want to hug Aubrey Plaza until she starts yelling STOP HUGGING ME YOU STUPID FAT CREEP!

Can Bears Climb Trees?

Yes.

Yes, they can.