Thursday, April 28, 2011

Stab 6 was better

Yesterday I went to see Scream 4, and it was pretty fun, if a little exhausting, which the awesome ending totally made up for. And so, in the spirit of the film, whatever that means, instead of the usual Coleslaw treatment, I'd like to present a rundown of all the ladies of Scream 4, by year of birth, from oldest to youngest. Enjoy!

1. Mary McDonnell. I kinda liked her as the president in Battlestar Galactica, but what she has here is your basic non-role, playing somebody's mom. How unfortunate.

2. Courteney Cox. Old and gross. I cannot believe that I used to think she was hot. Next.

3. Heather Graham. It's amazing what 14 year old archive footage can do for one's complexion.

4. Neve Campbell. She's obviously an extremely handsome woman, despite having recently crossed the 37 years threshold, but I don't think I could ever delete the image of her less-than-great boobs in I Really Hate My Job from my mind. Still, a very pretty lady, whose panties I definitely wouldn't mind sniffing. Or something.

5. Marley Shelton. Two words: Gor-geous. I've been madly in love with her ever since I first saw her in Pleasantville, and it's always saddened me that she never got to become the huge star she so righteously deserves to be. Oh well. She'll always be the star of my ejaculatory dreams.

6, 7. Kristen Bell and Anna Paquin. These two are responsible for what are easily the best two minutes in the whole movie. Ms. Bell is oh so very pretty, and Ms. Paquin's body looked so hot in that tank top that I begged my personal pasta monster to make it June already so I could finally start watching the new season of True Blood.

8. Alison Brie. I first saw her in Community last Booze Night, and while she didn't really look like a teenager, I still thought she was totally cute and pretty. Also, great boobs, and a very nice ass to match.

9. Marielle Jaffe. Her role is that of a generic hot chick, and being attractive enough, in a completely generic sort of way, I guess she's right for the part.

10, 11. Lucy Hale and Shenae Grimes. Ms. Hale is a total cutie pie, but maybe just a little bit too cute for her own good. After all, nobody wants to stick their dick in an adorable little puppy dog. Well, most people don't. I think. I also understand that Ms. Grimes is currently in that 90210 show. Meh.

12. Hayden Panettiere. Pretty nice boobs, but whoever told her she'd look good with short hair is retarded.

13, 14. Aimee Teegarden and Brittany Robertson. Who did they play again?

15. Emma Roberts. Easily the best thing about the actual movie (Anna Paquin and Kristen Bell don't really count). I first saw her in It's Kind of a Funny Story (great little movie), and was totally blown away by how cute and pretty and intelligent-looking she was. In fact, she is so unbelievably cute and pretty and she did such a fantastic job in Scream 4 that I'm not going to let myself write or think anything filthy about her at this moment. Not one filthy thing. For now.

Emma Roberts. If loving chicks who are younger than me by over a decade
is wrong, I don't want to be right!

And speaking of attractive young actresses: it wasn't until yesterday that I learned that Taylor Momsen was the cute little girl in How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Which of course means that I am now officially ancient.

Nice boobs though.


  1. Anonymous30/4/11 08:11

    I think Kristen Bell is insanely overrated. Love the rest of the post though.

  2. Hey look, a comment! A positive one! Thanks a bunch, Mr. Anonymous! :)