Sunday, November 8, 2009

Personal demons are a bitch, especially the winged kind

Today I watched Max Payne, based on the video game and starring some underwear model with an extra nipple, and I very much enjoyed it. Watching this movie, I didn't know anything about the Max Payne video game series. The truth is, I don't really know anything about modern video games. I'd like to say that this is because I think video games are stupid and childish, but the reality is that I absolutely suck at them. The only game I enjoy playing is the first Doom, and I only play it with those cheat codes that give you unlimited life and ammo. I also usually replace the original background music with a different album each time. I guess I'm just retarded that way. Anyway. When the Max Payne movie came out here last year I didn't bother to go see it. The trailer seemed cool enough, but the reviews were just terrible, and I've read somewhere that the cool looking demons aren't really real, and the PG-13 rating was a big fat turn off. Do I regret not going to see it back then? I'm not sure. What I watched today was the unrated cut of the film, which is a Hollywood doublespeak way of saying that this is how it would have looked like in theaters had they decided to release it with an R rating at the time. I can't say the plot is very original, but I really enjoyed the movie's overall gloomy style. It was shot by the Israeli Jonathan Saar, and it looks so dark and pretty you could just die, with every frame filled with falling snow or rain or smoke. The special effects are also very good, especially towards the ending, with all Imaginary Hell breaking loose. Marky Mark must be a grand master at the art of fellatio, otherwise I'd find it pretty hard to understand why he keeps getting acting work. He doesn't really do much here other than his usual 'confused and annoyed' act (Family Guy is still the funniest thing on TV), and one can only imagine how cooler this movie could have been with a leading man whose facial expressions do not remind you of a dead fish. Olga Kurylenko is just stupid hot (I think she's from Russia or one of those other made-up countries), which makes her role, which is short on both screen time and exposed skin, pretty damn frustrating, as any Google image search would tell you that Ms. Kurylenko looks absolutely lovely with no clothes on. Stupid PG-13 rating. They could add blood splatters in post production for the unrated version, but they couldn't delete whatever it was that covered her torso in that scene digitally. Stupid primitive technology. The gorgeous Mila Kunis is also severely underused. When I first saw her in this my reaction was 'oh crap, here comes Jackie from That '70s Show', but she does do a very good job whenever she's onscreen, which makes you wonder why you don't see her more often in movies and TV shows that aren't Family Guy or Robot Chicken.

Olga Kurylenko. Ukraine is that place with all the drunks, right?

Olga Kurylenko is co-starring in an Israeli movie called Kirot, which is supposed to be released here soon, as a Russian hitwoman or something. Her co-star in it is some dumb Israeli broad who's supposed to like sing pretty or something, and all the dialogs between their characters are done in English. The trailer looks pretty awful, mostly because the English doesn't sound all that natural, especially on the Israeli side. It doesn't sound like the kind of English a simple little supermarket cashier chick would use, it sounds more like the kind of English a Tel-Aviv film student would write in. I'll probably go see it anyway, if only to see Ms. Kurylenko handling a gun. Chicks with guns are pretty awesome. Mila Kunis gets to shoot a bunch of people in Max Payne, which is definitely a good enough reason to like it.

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