Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hoots make scary noises at night

Yesterday I went to see Paranormal Activity, the independent found footage horror film directed by Israeli video game designer Oren Peli, and for some reason I found it pretty enjoyable and very scary. It's basically identical to this movie from like ten years ago, only with a bedroom instead of a forest as the primary location. It's all about an asshole with a camera and his oddly attractive girlfriend, who try to deal with this mean old demon that's been haunting the lady of the house since she was eight years old. There's a lot of talk about "doing something" about it, but the specialist they call is a big wuss, and the other specialist he recommends is conveniently out of the country, so all they ever do is document the demon's activities in their bedroom and freak out about it. The dude, Micah, is one of the most unlikable characters I've seen recently. He lies to his girlfriend, he doesn't really care about how terrified she is about the whole thing, and he thinks that ouija boards are for real. The chick, Katie, is a delightfully plump young woman who I guess is so screwed up by her past demonic issues that she doesn't mind sharing her bed with a total jerk. It's a good thing then that it's Micah who's holding the camera most of the time, which means more Katie screen time. She's not exactly the hottest chick in the world, but I wouldn't mind staring at that cute face, voluptuous front end and gigantic thighs any day. Paranormal Activity is a pretty scary movie, especially towards the end, but what really creeped me out yesterday was this one old lady who sat in the seat in front of me, in the second row, and kept sighing to herself in the dark. After the movie ended and I was on my way out of the theater I actually heard her asking the usher "is it a real story?", which I found absolutely hilarious. Why do old people insist on going to movies that are clearly not meant for them? Why would they do that to themselves? And why do they always sit so close to the screen? Is it because they can't see all too well? Haven't they ever heard of glasses? And does sitting this close to the screen even work? I don't get it. Don't they know that the first three rows are reserved to me, and that I hate it when people sit close enough to me so that I cannot comfortably pretend that I'm alone in the theater? That's probably the greatest thing about how poorly movie theaters here are doing lately: I don't have to shush anyone anymore, because there's usually no one around me. People can be so annoying when they're, you know, there.

A douche making a grab for his girlfriend's hoots.

I've read somewhere that is doesn't make sense how Katie sleeps with a bra under her top. I think it's fairly obvious, because everybody knows that big boobs look so much better when they're being supported in some way or another, and Paranormal Activities is in fact a movie, which means that the last thing we need is a couple of huge meaty distractions to ruin all the scary moments for us. That is also why I myself will never star in a horror movie.

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