Sunday, November 1, 2009

Let the right one in, then bore their brains out until they beg you to be let out

Today I watched Låt den rätte komma in (aka Let the Right One In), a Swedish pre-teen vampire film, and I kinda hated it. Sometimes I think that unlike some parts of the world, such as North America and the UK, where the art of cinema is considered as a form of storytelling, in most countries they see it as a form of torture. I know that the genre of vampire stories has been raped in the last few years in every possible orifice big and small, but I don't think it's ever been done in such a boring and pointless yet frustratingly beautiful sort of way. Sure, I liked some parts of it, like the few shots that show the results of pouring acid over half your face, and a scene where a woman is being attacked by cats (here's some sound advice for future filmmakers: never put CGI cats with real ones in the same frame. it looks ridiculous) and one that shows what happens when a vampire enters an apartment they weren't properly invited into. And the outdoor scenes look just beautiful, though I'm sure that's not too difficult to achieve when you're shooting in Sweden and there's pretty white snow everywhere. And it was sort of fun to discover that some words in Swedish are the same as in German (the little vampire girl says she's 12 years old, ungefähr). So why didn't I like it? Because it's so painfully slow and so light on actual substance that the two hour run felt like weeks. Even the scenes that involved the dorky schoolboy being bullied by a group of his peers, a subject I can easily relate to, didn't really do much for me. Maybe it's because all those pale little Swedish boys looked equally wimpy to me. And howcome all the movie vamps these days are always such pussies? Even the one we get here, who does feed on human blood, is reluctant to kill someone herself, and when she's finally left with no other choice but to do so, she cries afterwards. Vampires are supposed to be the coolest creatures on the planet, so why are the ones we get in movies and on TV are so tortured and uncomfortable with what they are? Is it because viewers would have a hard time identifying with a 'bad' character? Well that's pretty dumb, because vampires aren't evil by nature, not more so than lions are for feeding on antelopes and cows are for eating grass. Humans are omnivores who eat the flesh of murdered creatures because they're stupid and mean. Vampires, on the other hand, have to drink human blood in order to survive, so that's exactly what they do. There's nothing evil about surviving. And you can't go the Dexter way either, feeding only on bad guys, because it's simply not practical. When you get hungry, you look for something to stuff into your face, and that's true for everybody. So the next time you come across a movie vampire, don't make a fuss and be sure to offer yourself up to them as a willing link in the food chain. Remember, a full vampire is a happy vampire.

I can has Swedish mitbolz?

Looking at the way this movie was shot, it's easy to see why the whole world thinks that all Swedish people are a bunch of creepy pedos. You even get a brief glimpse of a little girl's vampy crotch! Thank gawd I hate children so friggin much. Horrible little things, even the ones that don't literally suck your blood.

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