Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Turning Icons into boobonade

Last week I went to the Icon sci-fi and fantasy festival at the Tel-Aviv cinematheque, where I got to see a couple of pretty great and very Canadian movies. The second one I saw was Splice, which was absolutely awesome in every single way. It was fun and weird and creepy and Vincenzo Natali is one of my favorite directors and Sarah Polley is so adorable (despite the unfortunate tooth-to-gum ratio, which is only noticeable when she's smiling anyway) and David Hewlett is as cool as ever and Adrien Brody has a great big Jewish nose and the creature effects are incredible and the creature itself is totally cute and the sex scenes are pretty damn hot (even the ones that don't involve Sarah Polley), but I'm sort of sick of writing about perfectly awesome movies and so Iwill move on to the other movie I saw at the festival, Suck, which was still very good but was also a bit of a let down for me, for some reason. I don't know, maybe it was the übercool trailer that got my expectations up to ridiculously unrealistic levels, or the overall not-completely-professional feel of the movie (which was sort of charming most of the time, but a little depressing during some parts), or maybe it was just that I'm not all that used to seeing movies in theaters full of dorks (and dork wannabes), so the constant laughing managed to annoy me quite a bit. Whatever it was, I was left not completely satisfied with the movie. Still, there's a lot to like about it, like the cool vampire makeup (though I'm still not quite sure why female vamps use so much lip liner) and the funny little stop motion travel bits between locations and the rock star cameos and the occasional cool musical sequence, though my absolute favorite part of the movie was easily this one:

I think Paré means mashed potatoes in Italian or something

Now, Jessica Paré is quite obviously a smoking hot little piece of ass who looks nothing short of amazing as a sexy vampire bass player, but throughout the entire film whenever I looked at her there was only one thing I could think about: big droopy boobs. I wasn't even sure why, until I got back home and looked her up on IMDB and realized that she was the naked chick who humped the chubby black dude in the hot tub in Hot Tub Time Machine! And it's not like her breasts are unattractive in any kind of way, but anyone would have to admit that they do in fact point in a general southern direction. Which really isn't very surprising when you take into account the sheer size of them and their 100% plastic-free composition, but does she really have to flaunt them like that in every other movie she makes? I would've been perfectly happy with a Maxim bikini shoot or something, anything that would provide adequate support for the Paré twins. Yeah, a Maxim bikini shoot would've done nicely. And while we're on the subject of chicks who keep flashing their less than perfect boobs at me, why does Carla Gallo keep playing the topless slut in every single thing she's in?!

Carla Gallo with her clothes on
(under which she's probably naked again)

I like Ms. Gallo just fine, and it's not like I have anything against tiny little titties, but when they're not very attractive then I see absolutely no reason to keep showing them off all the time. Sigh. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I go to movies to be entertained and sometimes maybe get somewhat aroused, and if I would ever want to see what normal, average boobs look like I could just turn the lights off and look out my window with the shutters half closed and an economy size bottle of body lotion at hand like a normal person. You know, it's pretty funny how the older a woman gets, the less shy about her body she becomes. Funny and sexy, I suppose. Especially if you really miss your grandma.

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