Welcome to the Rose Elinor Dougall Show!

I have found the perfect woman and her name is Rose and her last name isn't McGowan. A couple of night ago I went to see Mark Ronson and the Business Intl. play live in Tel-Aviv, and even if it weren't the best live show I've ever seen and even if Record Collection weren't such an incredible album I still would have enjoyed the show immensely, because despite my earlier fears, the stunning and talented Rose Elinor Dougall did in fact show up here in all her classy, luscious glory to deliver one of the sexiest, blood boiling performance I shall ever be lucky enough to bear witness to. I've been madly in love with her vocal abilities since her days with the Pipettes, but watching her perform live, just a few meters from me, was just... perfection. The way she danced, the way she moved, the way she put her hands on her hips, and even better, the way she put only one hand on one hip, it was all just pure and utter bliss. Also, fantastic armpits, and a very nice pair of gams. Not only did she sing all her songs from Record Collection, she also performed Oh My God (covered in Version by a cartoon Lily Allen) and Stop Me (covered in Version by some Australian guy), and did a fine job with both of them. Now, apart from clapping at the end of each segment, I rarely do what musicians tell me to do during a show, be it waving my arms, clapping to the beat or jumping up and down, but anything Ms. Dougall asked me to do during her time on stage, I felt completely and helplessly compelled to comply with. Her stage presence was so overpowering that there was just no way on earth I could ever have said no to her. And don't get me wrong, Amanda Warner (MNDR) is totally adorable and freakishly talented, but with Rose Elinor on the opposite side of the stage there was little else I could pay much attention to during the show. At the end of the evening Mr Ronson made a promise to the audience to come back to Israel in the future, and when he does, he better bring Ms. Dougall along with him again, or surely there will be hell to pay.

She also plays a mean tambourine

There was only one thing that bothered me that night, and it was a pretty big thing indeed, and so I would like to take this opportunity to deliver this very important message to the lovely Ms. Rose Elinor Dougall: please stop smoking. If your habit is so bad that you feel the need to smoke on stage between songs, it really can't be very healthy for you. Not only will smoking damage that beautiful, angelic voice of yours, but if I ever read that you've died at an early age from lung cancer, I will never stop crying. So, you know, be a good girl and just stop it. And if you ever feel an uncontrollable need to suckle on something, know that each and every one of my fingers is always available to you at any time, day or night.

Frights, camera, action!

Last week I saw this picture in the paper of the new Channel 10 News anchorwoman, who in addition to being a classy young lady, is also a smoking hot piece of ass:

Aside from an unfortunately orange face, it's a pretty nice picture, right? Well, take a closer look and guess again:

Could someone please explain to me why so many attractive young women these days have hands that look like two bags of snakes? It is completely beyond me. It's so sad to think that every time this chick's husband (who is also a pretty cool journalist) gets a handjob, he feels like he's married to the Crypt Keeper.

How to make your very own MasterImage 2D glasses!

A few months ago the Yes Planet megaplex in Ramat Gan switched from using the Dolby 3D projection system, which utilizes reusable dichroic filtered 3D glasses, to using the lesser known MasterImage 3D system, which utilizes disposable circular polarized 3D glasses. These glasses, which are made of hard plastic, are supposed to be collected after each screening and recycled, are obviously NOT being recycled is this part of the world. There's no one at the theater to take them off your hands, and I guess you're just supposed to dump them in the nearest trash can on your way out of the complex, which is basically an environmental disaster, but it does pose an interesting opportunity for those who, like me, despise watching movies that were converted to 3D in post production. First, you'll need to collect two pairs of MasterImage 3D glasses:

Next, you'll have to take them apart. Just pull on each temple arm, and they come apart pretty easily.

In order to turn them into 2D glasses, you'll need to replace the left lens of one pair with the right lens of the other pair. Watch out: polarized lenses are one sided, which means you can't flip them over. Always keep the outer side of the lens on the outside.

Due to the shape of the lenses, you'll need to trim the edge of each lens you're replacing.

Once you're done cutting, place the lens into the other pair.

Now do the same with the other pair.

Snap the pieces back together, and there you go! Two perfectly usable pairs of 2D glasses, one displaying the images meant for the right eye, and the other displaying the images meant for the left eye!

Now, if only I'd figured this out before I went to see the new Conan movie, in which the fake 3D was a fucking joke and an atrocity on a scale I haven't seen since the Clash of the Titans remake, maybe I could have truly enjoyed Rose McGowan's awesome loveliness and Rachel Nichols' spectacular boobies.

Random photos from Montenegro (and some from Croatia)

The outside parts of two pretty ladies. I wonder where the inside parts went!

A mossy rock that looks like a friggin' skull!

Why would you want to pee into a hole in the floor when you have nature all around it?

The birthplace of Montenegro's handsomest serial killer!

BOOBIES!!!

Boobies or GTFO.

I wonder what kind of person shaves at a filthy park, and which body part exactly got shaved.

OMG PUPPY!!!

A jolly blacksmith that looks like friggin' Santa!

Both these things had mommies, but now they are art.

Aww, I love you too spooky ghost!

A cute little toad!

Montenegro has lots of strange and exotic insects!

A Njeguši cheese sandwich and some local beer. Yum!

Church bones!

Pipe smoking is strictly forbidden!

Do you know what giggity sounds like in German? I do!

Spongebob Schwammkopf!

I guess that's what happens when you bite too hard on a hard, long Cockta.

A chubby dude clipping his toenails on the beach!

A loud Italian family trying to have their picture taken!

Eating a can of Israeli chickpeas on the steps of a big pretty church!

It's the Creature from the Black Lagoon!

MOAR BOOBIES!!!11

An old dude with a nice round belly!

And a creepy ceramic fish!!!

NO!

Yesterday I went to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and, well, wow. Just... wow. What a truly incredible film. I haven't experienced such a deep emotional breakdown at the movies in almost a decade, which could just mean that I'm in a pretty fragile state of mind these days, but I think it's a little more meaningful than that. A lot more, actually. I was never really that impressed with Andy Serkis' previous portrayal of a CGI ape, but this time around he has done such an amazing work with the character of Caesar that I couldn't really help but fall deeply and madly in love with an animated chimpanzee, and a male one at that. And I even cared about the human characters in the film, which is kind of rare for me these days, but with fantastic actors like John Lithgow (who plays a tragic victim of Alzheimer's disease, something I am very much familiar with) and Brian Cox (who plays the evil ape warden) and even fucking David Hewlett (who plays some sort of asshole), how could I not get sucked neck-deep into the story? Maybe it's all the synthetic crap I've been fed at the movies lately, but I honestly can't remember the last time I came out of a theater knowing that I just had to have a sequel, and soon, or I will surely perish. As a standalone film, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an amazing achievement, but there's so much more I'd like to know about this world, so much more I'd like to see, so many more stories that should be told. I know I probably won't live long enough to see the final demise of the human race, but I sure hope I'll get to see it in a Planet of the Apes movie some day. Until then, from the bottom of my heart, thank you Rupert Wyatt for the best monkey movie EVER.

And there's a hot Indian chick in it too!

Where have writers Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver been hiding all these years?! Their last screenwriting work was in The Relic, back in 1997, which I now need to watch, but that will have to wait until after I'm back from Montenegro. And so, I bid you farewell, suckers! And never forget: if you keep messing up your job as the dominant species on the planet, there will always be others to take your place.

Attack of the Fake 3D Superheroes

Last week both the Captain America and Green Lantern movies came out here, and since I refuse to set foot in the local theaters that screen them in regular 2D, the way gawd intended them to be viewed, I was forced to see them both in horrible fake 3D. Ugh. Now here's a brief rundown of each film's basic pros and cons:

Captain America, Pros:

• An extremely neat '40s vibe.
• A heartwarming and hopeful tale of a sad little geek turned superhero.
• An AWESOME surprise musical number!
• Hugo Weaving is very cool and very creepy as Red Skull, as expected.
• The skinny version of Chris Evans is executed almost flawlessly.
• Hayley Atwell is oh so very pretty, despite a severe case of unfortunately oversized boobage.

Captain America, Cons:

• There is very little originality to the story, which doesn't really add up to much and much like its predecessors in the Marvel movie universe it ultimately serves as very little more than a prequel to next year's The Avengers.
• A complete and utter waste of a perfectly good Tommy Lee Jones.
• While Hugo Weaving's Red Skull makeup looks pretty good, it does suffer from a pretty bad case of 'it's bigger on the inside'.
• Fake 3D is stupid, ugly, pointless, clumsy and just plain wrong.

Green Lantern, Pros:

• A vast array of freaky space aliens of all shapes, colors and sizes!!!!!
• In addition to flying, Green Lanterns can pretty much create anything they want (as long as it's green), which might seem a little dumb, and I'm not saying it's not, but it's also one of the coolest superpowers ever!
• Ryan Reynolds is totally hot, even if he did do his best work in Two Guys and a Girl, which came to an end over a decade ago.
• The bad guy starts out as a dorky little geek with a mildly prominent forehead, and ends up as a supervillain with a freakishly prominent forehead!

Green Lantern, Cons:

• I didn't much care for any part of the movie that didn't involve crazy space aliens. It just wasn't very engaging or interesting in any sort of way.
• Awful, awful acting, courtesy of the entire human cast.
• The aliens may be kind of cool, but they don't look even remotely real. The few that are played by actors look like dudes in makeup, while the rest look like cartoons.
• Blake Lively is just meh. I don't really get what people see in her. On the plus side, her boobs are a lot nicer than Ms. Atwell's.
• Fake 3D is annoying, senseless, greedy, distracting and just plain painful to watch.

I still haven't decided which of the two I liked better. Captain America is obviously the better film, but it seriously lacks in the space aliens department. Green Lantern has a bunch of them, but the rest of it is kind of stupid and boring. So how about we just call it a tie and start waiting patiently for The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises. They're both less than a year away, and are virtually guaranteed to be, well, not sucky.

How to Know You're in a Movie, Part 2

In case you can't find any people with serious gunshot wounds, an alternative way to find out if you're in a movie or not is to locate an alien, a demon, a mutant or a robot who wears a rubber mask in order to appear human. Once they've taken the mask off, you'll have your answer instantly. Here's how:

Aww, he looks like a nice guy!

Oh no, now he's pissed! Watch out, he's taking his mask off! What could he possibly be hiding under there???

Scenario A: Well this makes a lot of sense. Without the mask his head looks slightly smaller, which means this is real life. I, for one, welcome our new alien/demon/mutant/robot overlords.

Scenario B: Huh. He's actually bigger without the mask. I guess this is a movie after all. Let the alien/demon/mutant/robot ass-kicking commence!

See also: using bullet wounds to determine the nature of your reality. There's a reason it's a classic!

How to Know You're in a Movie, Part 1

If you're not completely sure if you're in a movie or in real life at any given time, a good way to tell the difference is to observe bullet injuries. Here's how:

The before part. Everything's cool, except that you still don't know if you're in a movie or not.

Uh-oh.

If the edges of the bullet wound are raised, and the actual wound doesn't seem to penetrate the victim's skin, you're probably living in a movie. Hooray! Enjoy eating as much cake as you'd like without gaining any weight and making out with strippers and hookers who look like supermodels!

If the bullet wound goes deep into the victim's flesh, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you: this is real life. Sucks to be you.

And if you can't find any gunshot victims, just look for a thing in a mask!

Sign of the times

Well I guess the American economy really is in a pretty bad shape these days, because apparently smoking hot actress Amber Heard is now prostituting her smoking hot ass in Israel, or so I've been informed by this card I found on the street when I went to feed the bunny:

Seems legit

If I were her, I'd totally sue their ass. Also if I were her, I'd probably be grabbing my own ass. A LOT.