Haiku of the Day: I almost had a heart attack when episode 4 wasn't online on time

I really like Girls
The show, not those dickless folks
They still creep me out

Oh how I wish I were five years younger and that Lena Dunham were into fat, ugly guys, because she is positively ADORABLE. Unfortunately, judging by her movie and TV show, she likes them slim and attractive.

Bonus haiku:

Dear Lena Dunham:
You sure got purdy boobies
And a brain to match

Why I Don't Need a Smartphone, Part II

For a long, long time I was convinced that I needed to get a smartphone, and that my life would never be complete without one. Smartphones are colorful and fun to play with and pretty to look at and they make your life a whole lot easier and much more enjoyable, and absolutely everybody seems to have them these days, to the point where not owning one makes you look like a big weirdo who is just too stubborn to get with the times and join the rest of civilized society. Unfortunately, my long time status as a less-than-productive human being meant that it was quite impossible for me to acquire a smartphone for myself, and since I never believed that things were going to change for me in the future, I was forced to accept my situation and somehow keep living my life without one. Recently, however, I got a chance to have a little hands-on experience with a few smartphones, if only for a short time, and guess what? Sure, I have to agree they are indeed very neat and flashy little things, but personally I found them to be overly complicated contraptions that are ultimately not worth the high prices, the ridiculous monthly fees, the annoying maintenance issues and all the stress that comes along with them. And so, for my upcoming birthday, I've decided that if I were to purchase a portable touchscreen device, I'll be much better off getting a nice, affordable e-reader. At least that way I'd be able to put my free time into something interesting and meaningful, instead of just fingering pretty stuff pointlessly for hours on end.

And yeah, all this also applies perfectly to the matter of getting myself a girlfriend.

Including the e-reader solution.

What I'm trying to say is, I can't wait to get my filthy paws on my brand new Kindle Touch next week!

If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the next 48 hours in front of my computer, fapping vigorously to that Kate Upton dance video. See you on the other side!

See also: Why I Don't Need a Smartphone, Part I

Foolproof Pick-up Line #25

I'm So Glad My Death is Optional

Yesterday I went to see The Cabin in the Woods, and I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but I will say that I had a really good time watching it (the third act was literally mind blowing and so, so much fun!) and that while you do get to see this chick's pretty little boobies,

Anna Hutchison, aka The Dumb Blonde

...you never get to see hers:

Kristen Connolly, aka The Adorable Virgin (sort of)

If it were up to me I would have liked to have it the other way around, but the movie is just fine the way it is. Also, Fran Kranz is absolutely hilarious and the Hemsworth brothers (I watched Triangle the other day) are way too big and handsome to be taken seriously. The thing is, as much as I've enjoyed the whole Whedonish vibe, I still have a pretty bad feeling about The Avengers, which promises to be a far less genre bending piece. Will Joss be able to bring new life into the Marvel universe after a series of less than inspired 3D converted yawn fests? The question still remains to be seen.

Why I Don't Need a Smartphone

It's simple: why would I need a way to go online on the go, when I can't beat off on the bus? I mean, I suppose one could find a use for a portable porn machine in a public restroom or something, but I'm a urinal guy and not a stall guy, so things could get pretty awkward pretty quickly.

My dear, beautiful Gigi, I would gladly buy a hundred stupid overpriced phones if you'd only return to the business

See also: Why I Don't Need a Smartphone, Part II.

I believe you missed a spot there, ma'am

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part IV


Earth Hour 2012, local edition. I had to wait through almost an hour of awfulness for less than 30 minutes of awesomeness, but I totally got what I came for.

I didn't really care for this little chicky's music, but I still think she's pretty adorable.

Still, the Best Looking Broad of the Night award goes to this lovely young lady, who danced so prettily on stage that I didn't even mind the unsightly hair.

Update, later that day:

Holy crap, a smoking hot blonde (she was blonde tonight) AND she can sing like a father flipper!

(see pretty ladies IRL label for more)

Daddy Issues in Outer Space

This week I went to see Lockout, a Luc Besson produced sci-fi-ish thriller about an amnesiac cop who has to save the president's daughter from a maximum security prison in outer space, and it was kinda dumb, but also sort of fun. Sure, the movie is chock full of genre clichés, the plot doesn't make any kind of real sense and Guy Pearce and Maggie Grace (of Lost fame) do an awful job playing the two main characters (he's about as funny as a Holocaust documentary and she's extremely pretty but about as sexy as a yellow haired doorknob, though she does get considerably hotter after her prison makeover) but Joseph Gilgun is just as awesome as he was on Misfits (he would've looked just as crazy and menacing even without all those scars and tattoos) and the special effects are pretty good and I never got too bored watching it, so I guess I'm not too angry with Mr. Besson. The worst thing about the movie? Guy Pearce is 16 years older than Maggie Grace, which means he probably started having sex before she was even conceived, which means he's old enough to be her father, so throughout the entire thing I kept praying to the hairy guy upstairs to please please please whatever you do just don't make them kiss in the end, because he's way too old for her and the two of them have zero screen chemistry and the thought of them together makes me blow chunks. Well, they never actually kissed, but the final scene was just as bad. Yuck.

Maggie Grace in better days. I guess Iraqis don't really care about a girl's personality, as long as she looks good in a bikini.

Bonus haiku:

Dubstep's not so bad
Makes me wish I had someone
To bone me to it.