Feel Free to Drop an F-Bomb, Late '70s Mad Magazine

Mad Magazine, January 1978. I recently picked up my copy at this cute little used bookstore in Tel-Aviv. Apparently even back then everybody knew that C3PO preferred boy-bots (and that R2D2 was a gay bashing asshole).

Needs More Booze

Yesterday I went to see The Dictator, and while it wasn't bad or anything (although it was much more like the Ali G movie than Borat or Brüno, which isn't a good thing), it did remind me why I almost never watch comedies sober anymore. I imagine that with the right amount of booze in my system I would've found it pretty hilarious, but since Yes Planet doesn't really offer any at the snack bar, it just didn't have any serious effect on me. And the moral of the story is: next time you feel a need to see a comedy at the movies, get yourself a nice flask (preferably one with a picture of a dinosaur on it) and fill it up with cheap arak. That is all.

Oh, and Anna Faris looks really cute with short dark hair and hairy pits

I Find This Extremely Easy to Fap to

Are you as obsessed with this creepy-eyed girl's video as much as I am? Now here is my own version of her cute little song! Mind you, this is a version of this version, not of the original video, which I have tried to watch but failed to do so (I couldn't get past the girl with the weird earrings and dyke haircut). Enjoy this richly animated short clip, and the full lyrics right below it!

If I were your stalker
You'd never be alone
I'd Google up your number
And I'd always call and groan
I wouldn't call it stalking
Just staring right at you
At night, without you knowing
Watching everything you do


Fap, fap, fap, to you


Find out all about your past
Hang cameras in your loo
I don't care about one
I just care about two
I'm your biggest fan
I'd like to smell your shoe
Yeah


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


So tell me that you want me
Don't try to say you don't
I can see your bloodshot eyes
Say you wanna feel my dong
But that's not gonna work
You can hear it in my tone
I can't get it up with girls
Who are made of flesh and bone


S-stalker, stalker
I will be your stalker
I will be your stalker
I WILL BE YOUR STALKER


I'd always be whacking off to you
Hey girl - are your panties blue?
If I were your stalker
I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Get food in some cans
'Cause you're stuck with me, girl
Spend a decade down here
I'd be calling you my girlfriend, girlfriend
I just made a list
Of our future cats' names
Hannibal, Cujo, Scar and Darth


I'd never let you leave
The basement at my mom's house
I'd watch you cry and heave
And you would look adorable
I'd shave your legs for you
I'd strap you to a toilet bowl
And plastic wrap your poo


Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah
Na na na
Na na na
Na na na
Yeah, girl
Na na na
Na na na
If I were your stalker.

First Time Babysitting Insight

I think it's just awful when parents think they have the right to shave their infant's pubic region. I mean, it makes them look like goddamn porn stars! It is a rotten, rotten world we live in.

Best Horror Appearance 2012: Gary Busey's Teeth

This week I went to see Piranha 3DD, and it was actually very entertaining, especially after watching 2010's Piranha 3D, which I didn't like one bit (eww 3D conversions). The premise is basically the same, only with a water park full of plastic-boobed strippers instead of a beach full of horny college kids, but everything works much better this time around. The script is funnier, the gore is much more interesting and uses a lot more practical, rubber fish and not just CGI (that's a good thing), David Hasselhoff's manly manboobs are deeply impressive and best of all, I finally got to see the beautiful Danielle Panabaker in her undies AND wearing a tiny little bikini top in glorious native 3D! I don't think Piranha 3DD is going to win any Oscars (like anyone even cares about them anymore), but it's a really fun and gory 83 minutes, Danielle Panabaker is absolutely gorgeous and thanks to the Hoff the ending is just hilarious, so unless there's a toothy fish nibbling on your genitalia at the moment, I see no reason for you not to get off your lazy ass and go see it right now!

I think the rule is, if she was born in the '80s, it isn't THAT creepy

Last Night in the Deep South

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part VI

Last night I saw an Israeli-American co-production of Parade, and it was really great and everything despite the occasional technical hiccup, but yeah, it's time for another edition of Pretty Ladies IRL. As usual, no names will be named, since Google isn't too kind to creepy little creeps such as my stupid little self. Enjoy!

The complete package! A gorgeous face, lovely freckled skin, a great singing voice, and if you don't mind my creeping, very lickable-looking armpits!

This one isn't exactly the brightest pickle in the jar, to say the least. I think I've read somewhere that she's been getting sort of religious lately. Case and point. She's still sort of cute though, if you're into chicks who look like 8 year old girls with boobs.

My biggest problem with the production? Since it was the very first premiere show, the director has instructed the performers not to come out again after the ending, which kinda sucked. I totally dig it when pretty girls bow in front of me. Especially if they're wearing low-cut tops.

Agent B. Approves (Elfman Double Feature Part II)

Yesterday I went to see Men in Black 3, and surprisingly enough, it was actually pretty good! I've always loved the original Men in Black (despite my deep, burning hatred for everything that is Will Smith), but the 2002 sequel was a huge letdown (I think the script went something like: "Here's a weird looking alien, here's another weird looking alien, and hey look, over there we've got another weird looking alien. The End") so I was more than a little suspicious this time around, which is why I couldn't be happier to find the new movie deliciously delightful and just so, so much fun! I mean, who would have thought that transporting a gentleman of darker complexion with an attitude problem into the 1960s would actually be a good idea! If I thought '90s aliens were awesome then the '60s variety totally blew my mind, and you also get Andy Warhol played by a generic SNL comedian AND the profoundly hilarious Jemaine Clement (whose baby I definitely wouldn't mind having) as a big scary one-armed time-traveling space alien! I also found it pretty funny that in a sci-fi comedy about time travel, the only thing that didn't make sense to me was how a smoking hot piece of ass like the unnaturally lovely Alice Eve turns into Emma Thompson in only 40 years' time, because we all know what Mrs. Thompson looked like when she was younger, and she was never that hot, or even at all. Which is a little weird, but also says a lot about the quality of the script, written by some Jewish guy I've never heard of whose writing credits include Madagascar 2. Yeah. Hopefully they'll hire him once again to write MIB4: Black Suits on the Grassy Knoll, in which we'll finally learn who fake-assassinated America's first Alpha-Centauri-Catholic president and why there were no evidence of his long fluffy double-ended tail at the scene of the supposed crime.

Alice Eve desperately wants you to look up her nude scenes from Crossing Over and fap to them like the diseased, sex starved chimps that you know you are

And guess what! I got to see the movie in spectacular, jaw-dropping 2D! Thank you Yes Planet for not making my eyes bleed from the awful fake 3D!