No Real Cows were Blown Up During the Making of this Movie

This week I went to see the 102 minute long Costco commercial known as The Watch, and I had a really nice time. It's exactly what one would expect from an R-rated comedy starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill, only with an ever higher dosage of dick jokes and a bunch of scary aliens running around and skinning people! Mind you, I did ingest a healthy amount of the movie-enhancing substance commonly known as Tuborg Red while watching the film, so scenes projected on the screen may have appeared funnier than they actually were, but that doesn't make my viewing experience any less fun. That is all.

Jessica Stroup may not have anything to do with The Watch, but she is still amazing and I want to bear her beautiful children in my big fat belly.

If Hell Ever Freezes Over,

...and I actually produce a human offspring, I would start a blog where I would post nothing but photos, videos and audio recordings of all the pee, poop, vomit, flatulence, crying, screaming, sleep deprivation, fighting, anxiety, disappointment, perineal tearing and erectile dysfunction that the child would produce, including all the verbal, emotional and physical abuse that having said child would unavoidably bring on between me and the unfortunate mother. And I would name that blog: We Should've Just Gotten a Cat.

Luckily, there isn't a single human female on the entire planet who is dumb enough to ever want my thingy inside her thingy. Thank gawd for tiny, itsy bitsy miracles.



In other news: this has been Allergic to Coleslaw's 400th post. Thanks for reading and all, but it still doesn't mean that I like you or anything. Now here's a very special bonus haiku:

Four hundred blog posts
And not a single reader
Without a boner.

Congratulations, Anna Faris!!!

Your vagina is now completely ruined.

Yaaaaaaay.

Also, your body will never look like this again. Ever.

Bonus haiku:

What the world needs now

Is another human child

LOL, JK.

Last Night at the Fleischerei Show

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part X

She may not be this chick, but she's still very very pretty and she did a fine job last night as the band's new singer. Congratulation young lady, you now have the Coleslaw Seal of Approval. Keep up the good work!

Also, nice tummy!

Bonus haiku:

Old guy at the club
If you're gonna clap your hands
Please keep to the beat.

Wanted, Cat or Alive

(but preferably both.)

The Culprit:

The Crime:

The suspect is considered to be armed and dangerous. I mean, she's dangerous and has arms. Well, they're not really arms, they're more like kitty paws, but they're still pretty dangerous. If seen rolling over her back, DO NOT attempt to rub her tummy. I repeat: under any circumstance, DO NOT attempt to rub her tummy. Make no mistake, if you decide to do so, you WILL get scratched. Simply alert the authorities and run for your dear life. And may gawd have mercy on our souls.

The Smartest Thing I've Ever Done EVER

Over the last few years, probably due to the excessive frequency of Booze Nights I've been throwing, I have completely lost the ability to enjoy silly movies while sober. Unfortunate, but unavoidable. So when Seth MacFarlane's Ted came out here, I was faced with two options: I could either go see the movie and not enjoy it that much, or I could wait for it to come out on Blu-ray and then watch it at home. Luckily, I'm a pathetic, hopeless loser who doesn't really mind getting drunk by himself in a theater full of teenagers at 3 in the afternoon, so I just purchased a bunch of overpriced beers at the supermarket as Ayalon mall and brought them with me into the theater. It wasn't the first time I got drunk at the movies (Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter comes to mind), but it was definitely the most successful one. How was the movie, then? Pretty good! I can't say I remember much of it other than that the bear sounded exactly like Peter Griffin, but I do remember having an amazing time. Thank you Yes Planet for allowing moviegoers to bring in outside food, and thank you Seth MacFarlane for practically forcing me to have this experience!

Superfluous nipples are HILARIOUS.

So, I saw the Total Recall remake this week.

You don't have to see the Total Recall remake.

Here's a quick comparison:

• The Hero: Arnie or Colin Farrell? Arnie, obviously. He might be big and dumb, but he knows how to use it to his advantage. Colin Farrell may be a fine actor, but as an action her he's fucking boring. Original: 1, remake: 0.
• The Wife: Sharon Stone or Kate Beckinsale? Sorry Ms. Stone, you were very pretty in the early '90s, but Ms. Beckinsale is absolutely gorgeous even at the ripe age of 39. Also, spectacular ass. Original: 1, remake: 1.
• The Bad Guy: Michael Ironside or Kate Beckinsale? Sorry Ms. Beckinsale, if this were a "who would you rather get an over-the-pants handjay from?" type of contest you'd be a sure winner, but playing a good villain takes the kind of awesomeness only creepy-looking character actors like Mr. Ironside possess. Original: 2, remake: 1.
• The Girlfriend: Rachel Ticotin or Jessica Biel? Well, I'm not a huge Jessica Biel fan, but even I have to admit that these two don't even belong to the same species. Seriously Mr. Verheoven, what were you thinking? Original: 2, remake: 2.
• The Über Villain: Ronny Cox or Bryan Cranston? Mr. Cox did a fine job in the original, but Bryan Cranston is a fucking god, so even though his character doesn't really do much in the remake, it's not like he can lose to anyone. Original: 2, remake: 3. (oh noes!)
• Special Effects #1: how good did they look? The original movie used rubber puppets and stop-motion animation. The remake uses state-of-the-art technology and has the kind of realistic look that I'm guessing will still seem convincing even in 22 years. Original: 2, remake: 4. (dafuq!?)
• Special Effects #2: how cool were they? The original movie used rubber puppets and stop-motion animation that were totally awesome! The effects were weird and funny and unlike anything else seen at the time. The remake uses state-of-the-art technology, but as long as your futuristic world looks like every other sci-fi movie that's out there, what's the point? Sure, the movie is technically perfect, but that doesn't mean it isn't utterly boring to look at. Original: 3, remake: 4.
• Story: The original wasn't very faithful to the Philip K. Dick short story, but it did have Mars in it. The remake doesn't even have that. It's like someone had an idea for a generic sci-fi thriller about a giant elevator that travels through the center of the planet, but couldn't get it picked up until he rewrote it as a Total Recall remake. Nice try, but no thanks. Original: 4, remake: 4.
• Gore and Nudity: The original was an R-rated Paul Verhoeven film. The remake is a PG-13 joke directed by Kate Beckinsale's husband, where people get shot and there's never any blood in sight. You do get one quick shot of the triple-boobied hooker, but it's so brief you can easily miss it if you blink at the wrong time. Original: 5, remake: 4.
• Fun: The original Total Recall was a blast. The new remake is so generic and yet it takes itself so seriously that mostly it just made me want to take a nap in the theater and get the hell out once the credits came up. Original: 6, remake: 4.

Final Verdict: If you're craving some Total Recall goodness, the 1990 Paul Verhoeven film looks pretty amazing on blu-ray. Len Wiseman's remake, however, turns a true classic into something that is so mundane you'd forget it the second you leave the theater. He should just keep making movies where his wife wears fake fangs and tight outfits. You can never go wrong with that sort of stuff.

If you don't think that this rugged and manly individual is a GOD, then the atheists win!

Last Night at the Club Above the Record Store

or: Pretty Girls I Saw Last Night, Part IX

As usual, no names will be named, in order to protect the innocent (that would be me).

Now close your eyes and pretend you're shaking salt onto your tongue!

Ooh, what a classy broad.

These are both obviously very pretty ladies, and yet the most amazing experience I've had that night took place after the show, as I was waiting for the bus home. Out of absolutely nowhere came this unimaginably gorgeous young woman and smiled at me! She had long raven black hair, pale skin, red lips, a sharp nose and large dark eyes, and she wore a little black dress. She was basically Morticia Addams, only younger and prettier and much, much sexier. Oh how I wish I could draw her, but my artistic abilities could never do her utter loveliness any justice. When I took my earphones out, she asked me something about the bus in a faint Russian accent, and when I told her that during the summer night buses operate during weekdays as well as the weekend she seemed positively delighted. She then asked me for a cigarette. Never in my entire life had I wanted to be a smoker more. Alas, I find smoking to be grossly icky. After procuring a cancer stick elsewhere, she sat down on the bus bench I was sitting on and just smoked quietly and waited patiently for the bus. At one time during the 30 minute wait she reached with her finger (displaying an attractive shade of blue nail polish) and tapped my arm. I repeat: her finger, on my arm. That's right. She then asked me if I was absolutely sure that the night bus was coming, and discussed the frequency of night buses a little further. When the bus finally got there we both got on, and when it reached my destination I got off it one stop further than my usual stop, just so I could stare at her just a little while longer. The End. Nothing happened, as expected, but yeah, it was easily the most successful verbal interaction I've had with a female human I was attracted to in over eight years (longer than that if you don't count women who were paid to talk to me). Success!


Bonus haiku:

Hot girl at bus stop
I never got to tell you
How much I love you

Laura Fraser Speaking German on Breaking Bad!?

Total freakin' awesomeness to the power of three? This definitely calls for something awful and unexpected to take place in my pants!


Also: I love you, Laura Fraser. You were my first giant crush and I will love you to bits forever and ever, and if you could please come to Israel and make out with me for no more than five minutes (including some moderate tongue action) it would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Ben.

Foolproof Pick-up Line #27