Monday, October 5, 2009

Hungarian Meat is murder

Today I watched Taxidermia, a Hungarian film directed by György Pálfi, based on short stories by Lajos Parti Nagy. Here are the three basic rules of making foreign (non-English) films: first, you need to have a bunch of really long sequences where absolutely nothing in happening, especially not people talking. Then, you need to have several really long monologues that are supposed to be meaningful and thought provoking and have absolutely nothing to do with the plot. Finally, you're going to need quite a bit of inappropriate nudity, which means unattractive people with no clothes on, unattractive people engaged in any kind of sexual activity, and most importantly, lots and lots and lots of penises. Gotta have those penises in your foreign film. Otherwise you may as well shoot in in English. Some people say that it's because Americans are more conservative than, say, Europeans, but that's bullcrap. While European movies really love showing dudes' schlongs, almost all the naked women in them sport big hairy bushes, which completely cover their actual genitals. It's like male genitalia is OK, but female genitalia clearly isn't. So European filmmakers aren't really all that liberal, they just really like boy-peepees. Now, Taxidermia may start off like any other foreign film, the way I just described here, but it totally isn't. It tells three different stories: in the first, some creepy dude is being a total pervert and a pig is being murdered and gutted. Would it be a spoiler to say that these two things are connected? Probably. The second story is about a big fat competitive eater who used to have a tail. His girlfriend/wife is also a pretty big bitch. The third and final story, which is easily the best of the three, is about a friendly neighborhood taxidermist who takes care of his freakishly obese father and his margarine-fed gigantic cats. This is definitely not the best movie for vegetarians. You get lots of dead animals, lots of dead animal parts, some dead animal parts getting eaten by really fat dudes, and a couple of scenes where you're supposed to see human body parts getting sliced and stuff but you can tell that they were clearly extracted from poor little murdered animals. It starts off kinda slow (though I totally dig stories about masturbatory voyeurism), but it keeps getting better and better, until it comes to its delightfully creepy conclusion. Totally worth reading subtitles for an hour and a half.

Ben's flashforward, circa 2045

I also watched the first episode of Flashforward today. It was pretty good! Maybe a little too sappy for its own good, but hopefully it'll get better with time. And Seth Macfarlane has a small role in it! He's so awesome. The other week I saw him in an old Gilmore Girls episode, and it was pretty hilarious. Um. Actually, I take that back. Gilmore Girls is for broads and poofs. Yeah.

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