Monday, October 12, 2009

This is why I hate kids

Today I watched Joshua on DVD, a horror family drama starring Sam Rockwell and the lovely Vera Farmiga, who unfortunately looks here like a total mess. It tells the story of a creepy 9 year old boy named Joshua. When his mother gives birth to a baby girl, Joshua starts getting even creepier and scarier, as he decides to drive his family completely insane, and much worse. I really like this movie! It's really scary in a very real way, without resorting to too many traditional horror elements. Young Jacob Kogan is literally the creepiest kid ever. I totally believe that he's evil. Or rather, more so than most children who play musical instruments. Having a child like Joshua is truly the ultimate nightmare of any movie parent. Sam Rockewell does a decent job at playing the father, but it's Vera Farminga's (what an awesome name!) performance that really shines here. Her character's descent into madness, aided by young Joshua, is utterly convincing and very nearly terrifying. We do get a little boobage from her, but it's all breast pump-related, which is pretty gross. Turning a person into a dairy cow is just disgusting. The whole idea of pregnancy disgusts me. If I was a sexually active female, I'd get my tubes tied as soon as possible. Why would anyone want to do that to her own body is beyond me. It's not like the resulting product is such a big prize, as Joshua clearly demonstrates. Babies are noisy and smelly and they always want your attention, either to feed them or to get rid of their feces for them. It's a vicious cycle of putting stuff into them and removing their waste, without getting anything worthwhile in the process. And as if that's not enough to drive you crazy, after a couple of years the little brats start to learn how to talk, which leads to even more noise and more disobedience. And I don't even want to think about what it must be like to raise teenagers in your own home, slimy little demons that they are. Other than having someone to maybe look after you when you're old and senile, I can't think of even one good reason to have children. For me, one of the morals of Joshua is that people with mental disorders shouldn't have children. People with severe mental problems should be neutered or spayed immediately. If my children are meant to have the same problems that I had as a child, as a teenager or as an adult, I think they'd be much better off not having been born in the first place. Besides, I hate the way I look, so how could I ever love something that looks like me? Thank gawd that parenting has never been a real option for me. Can't make babies on your own, not really. Believe me, I've tried like a million times, with no results to speak of.

Vera Farmiga, not looking like a used tissue

Other than the foot cutting scene, the scariest part of the movie for me was when Joshua mutilates his own stuffed bear. Stuffed animal mutilation is not cool. Stuffed animals are people too, you know. I know plenty of human beings who have a head full of cotton wool, and you don't see anyone slashing at them with scissors in movies. If Joshua wasn't such a good film, I'd totally ban it for containing graphic scenes of stuffed animal abuse. But it is. So I won't.

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