Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I too am not much fun when I'm hungry

Today I watched The Incredible Hulk on DVD, and I liked it just as much as I did when it came out in theaters. Not the most cerebral film ever, but an extremely enjoyable 110 minute ride. It starts in Brazil, homeland of the world-famous bright yellow drink (now with 60% more blood!), made exclusively by the two biggest stereotypes of Brazil: scary assholes who call white people 'gringos', and crazy-hot chicks with big round butts. I don't usually like drinking human blood. You can get diseases from it and stuff. Once the army tracks down the narrator guy from Fight Club we finally get to see the new Hulk design, and it is a sight to be seen! I kinda liked the first Hulk movie, the one directed by the guy with the funny eyes who usually makes movies about gay cowboys eating pudding. Sure, it has its faults, but come on, how can you not like a movie about a giant green guy who goes ape shit every time someone looks at him funny? And there were giant mutant dogs, and that drunk who played the Hulk's dad, and that purdy Labyrinth chick, so there's actually a lot to like about it. The Hulk itself, however, was a bit of a letdown, and it has nothing to do with technology. It's the design that was just not good enough, because it made the hulk look like a whiny little pussy instead of a comic book hero. Thankfully, the new 2008 design fixed all that. The new Hulk is pure awesomeness. His skin tone is more realistic, his hair is cooler, his body is veinier, his face is meaner, and everything about him screams pure GRRRRRRR! Really great stuff. Ed Norton does an OK job playing the scrawny pink version of the hulk, but it's obvious that his heart isn't really into it. Liv Tyler is very pretty, but I'd hate to think what would happen to her the day she stops being so. William Hurt and Tim Roth are both awesome, as usual (be sure to check out Mr. Hurt in a serial killer movie called Mr. Brooks. Sure, it's a Kevin Costner movie, but it's actually really really good!). And the Abomination design is just incredible, with bones sticking out under his skin in every direction. Very creepy stuff. Scaaaaary. I haven't noticed Lou Ferrigno the first time I saw the movie, which means I'm really dumb. I remember watching the TV show back in the '80s, but I don't remember much about it other than the fact that every once in a while some big green dude would run around smashing stuff.

A can of peas, anyone?

Two things I've learned from The Incredible Hulk: first, anything you put in your mouth, you better be ready to poop it out the other end. And if you're planning on gaining weight, it pays to invest in stretchy pants. And yes, turning your rage into muscle mass still counts as gaining weight. Next time someone comments about my weight I'll just say that I'm not fat, I just have the radiation-induced ability to convert boredom into body mass. That should work nicely.

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