Monday, October 19, 2009

This flesh puppet sure feels snug around my arm

Yesterday I went to see Gamer, starring Gerard Butler and Michael C. Hall and directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor. I really liked it! It's kinda dumb and the story isn't very original and the action scenes suffer from that annoying Shaky Cam effect, but it's loads and loads and loads of good, sleazy fun. Gamer is about a game in which players control real people in real combat situations, but that's not really important, because who cares about a story in a fun action flick? The action scenes are pretty fun, even though most of the time you can't really tell what's going on. What I really liked about it was the portrayal of the future in which the plot takes place. It looks so pretty and scary and evil! You get giant advertisements on everything, including the pyramids, you get the most annoying teenagers the universe has ever seen, and a Second Life-type game where the morbidly obese and morbidly geeky get to live through a bunch of pretty people dressed in funny costumes, who pretty much just walk around and party all the time and whore their own bodies out for a paycheck. It was also really nice to finally get a sci-fi (sort of) action movie with an R rating, which means real graphic violence and sexuality and plenty of boobs to go around. PG-13 movies are an abomination. It's like, here's a movie that's clearly meant for adults (otherwise it would've been rated PG), but we'll tone down the violence and sexuality and language so we can maximize our potential audience and be able to advertise more. Well, not with Gamer, thank gawd. This is the sort of movie that makes you feel dirty all over, like you've just made out with a middle-aged $5 blowjob crack whore, which I totally dig. It's also got the creepiest musical number I've ever seen in an action movie! Gerard Butler does an OK job as the main character, mostly just repeating his 300 bits, only with big guns. Michael C. Hall is as cool as ever as the adorable villain, the insane billionaire who came up with the mind control tech. He's just awesome in Dexter, and he's totally banging his TV-sister in real life, so yay Michael! Alison Lohman is a little older than I am, but she still looks and sounds like a teenager. Good for her. Too bad she has such a non-role here, with most of her personality showing through her dreadlocks. I've always sort of hated Kyra Sedgwick, so I guess it makes sense that she's playing a talk show hostess. Talk show hostesses are a repulsive bunch. I've heard rumors that Ellen DeGeneres used to be sort of funny, before she turned into the horror that she is today. I find it pretty hard to believe.

Alison Lohman. The stinkier the hair, the tougher the broad

Setting other similarities aside, both Surrogates and Gamer feature scenes in which incredibly fat slobs are remote controlling attractive young ladies in order to live out their fantasies. In Surrogates it's a robot chick, in Gamer it's somebody's mom. Having a fat guy pose online as a hot chick is like the biggest internet cliché ever. On the other hand, I guess it's a cliché for a reason. Everybody knows that eating too much makes you wish you had a vagina, because fat women can be plump and voluptuous, while fat dudes are just plain disgusting. Stupid lucky gender.

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