Sunday, January 10, 2010

Intergalactic fun with anal probes

Today I went to see The Fourth Kind, starring the gorgeous Milla Jovovich as a plain looking psychologist, and I liked it as much as I could possibly like a movie about alien abductions that doesn't show you any actual aliens. I guess a lot of people got a little cranky at this movie when it first came out because the trailer promised us that it's going to be based on a true story with real video footage spliced into it to back it up, and it turned out that it's all just a big steaming pile of cow poop and that everything is completely made up. Which I guess makes perfect sense, because I know that whenever I go to see a movie about crazy space aliens from outer space the main thing I look for is for it to be based in reality. Pfft. Reality is boring. If I wanted to see something real, I'd go outside and look at all the dog crap my neighbor keeps failing to pick up. Or the dead pigeon I found at the parking lot on my way out of the cinema and somehow resisted the urge to poke with a stick. Or worse still, I could look at my own fleshy reflection in the bathroom mirror. Reality is ugly and stupid and boring, so when I go to see a movie it better show me a gigantic multicolored tentacle monster or something, otherwise I'm never going to be fully satisfied. And yes, that means you, Watchmen. Anyway, Milla Jovovich's husband gets killed or something, so she has to finish his study of people's sleep issues in this small town in Alaska. The weird thing is that all the people she interviews who have problems sleeping also claim to have weird encounters with owls. Barn owls, to be specific. Instead of leaving things as they are like a good little girl Milla decides to use hypnosis to recover lost memories in her patients, and once they realize that they've been violated on a nightly basis by creepy bug-eyed things from another galaxy all heck breaks loose. Most of the movie looks like, well, a movie, but as promised it's also spliced here and there with fake "real" footage from interviews and hypnosis sessions, often using split screens. Like, you get to see the same scene played out in both the movie version on your right and the "real" version on the left, which can get a little confusing at times but is still pretty cool. The contrast between the "real" Dr. Tyler, played by a rather plain looking actress, and the incredible loveliness that is Milla Jovovich is pretty distinct, and if I actually gave a poop about subtext in movies I'd say it's supposed to say something moderately clever about Hollywood, but I don't, so I won't. The whole thing may sound pretty silly, but the fact of the matter is that it simply works, and the creepiest moments in the movie do come from the "real" footage. I don't really go for that whole 'less is more' thing in movies because it usually just feels lazy to me, and I really would have loved to see a big climax featuring a scary CGI alien (or better yet, a guy in a rubber suit!), but I guess it's fine to hold stuff back sometimes. Just don't make a habit out of it. And if possible, next time anyone makes a movie with Milla Jovovich, please don't make her stay fully clothed the entire time. I know she's become quite a decent actress since her days of guesting on Married with Children back in the late '80s, but come on, a little bush never hurt anyone.

Milla Jovovich wants you to look up her naked photos
from Purple Magazine and enjoy them pantslessly

I also watched Adventureland today, and I guess it was OK, despite being pretty depressing for what I thought was supposed to be a comedy. The only reason I watched it is because apparently I like Kristen Stewart now. Sigh. It's hardly my fault, as I can't really help it that I'm totally into cute chicks who look borderline retarded. Always have been, always will be. But I definitely don't like her enough to watch those faggy vampire movies, because there's still a limit to the amount of control my scarlet Johansson holds over the rest of me.

Kristen Stewart's boobs really like pot

No comments:

Post a Comment