Sunday, January 24, 2010

Help! There's a scary fat dude in my mirror!

Today I watched Mirrors, a horror movie starring Jack Bauer and directed by Alexandre Aja, and I guess I somewhat enjoyed it despite it's obvious flaws. The world's nuttiest CTU agent plays Ben, a guy who used to be a cop or something before some sort of deeply tragic tragedy happened in his life, so now he has to work as the night guard at this creepy, burnt down, abandoned department store. And as if that's not enough, his perky-nippled Latina wife has recently kicked him out of their home because she didn't approve of his boozing habits, so now he has to play roommates with his Amy Smart-looking sister. Boo hoo! If I had a sister who looked like Amy Smart I'd do virtually anything to be removed from my bitchy wife and whiny kids and finally shack up with my hot baby sis! The problem is that there's something seriously wrong with the mirrors at the big old department store. They keep killing people using their own reflections, so I guess that means that they're possessed by grumpy demons or something. Ben starts seeing some pretty weird special effects in mirrors, and when people start to die around him and still nobody seems to give two poops about his wacky stories about haunted mirrors he has to stand alone in the war against reflective surfaces (including framed pictures, windows, metal door knobs and even water). Now, I really like Alexandre Aja's earlier films. Haute Tension and the Hills Have Eyes remake were fun and dark and very gory, so when I heard about Mirrors I was pretty curious, despite the awful reviews. Unfortunately, this movie is mostly just silly. It's rated R, so the gore tends to be pretty damn awesome, but everything else plays out like your average PG-13 ghost story, only with lots more F words. Most of the time it just alternates between spook house-type scenes in the dark department store and sappy, badly written family melodrama. Here and there you get some really cool stuff, but it usually gets lost in that thick brush of movie clich├ęs. Like, for example, there's this hysterically cool scene where somebody's jaw gets ripped clean off their face, but instead of everybody getting scared and angry and even more determined to fight whoever it was that did it, you get Kiefer Sutherland trying to pretend he's crying. Why would anyone want to see that sort of long, dramatic mourning scenes in a movie where people slice their own throats open or get their jaws ripped off?! What a total buzz kill. Kiefer Sutherland is a pretty limited actor, which seems to work just fine in stuff like 24, but I didn't buy his character here at all. Amy Smart is a pretty cool chick, so it's a damn shame how she's got pretty much nothing to do in this movie except showing us her naked back side, sideboob included. And it was pretty hilarious to see the dude from Primeval fake an American accent as the cool forensics guy. Gawd knows I haven't been able to look straight into a mirror in years, so by no means am I a stranger to the highly disturbing creepiness factor that they posses, but this movie didn't come even remotely close to getting it right. Still, I'm pretty optimistic about Piranha 3D (killer fish, right in your lap!), Aja's next project, because it sounds like just the sort of sleaze-fest that could make up nicely for this failed effort.

Sadly, Amy smart has a rather mediocre butt

I've recently started watching Undeclared and it's really very good and all, but right now my point is that I just don't understand why Monica Keena isn't a huge movie star. I mean, I know she's probably had some work done, but jebus, just look at her! I don't think I've seen her in anything since I saw Freddy vs. Jason at the movies (twice), but I have absolutely no reason to believe she's any less hot these days, and I'm totally looking forward to seeing her in the upcoming Night of the Demons remake, because she has the sort of looks that make me wish I still had fully functional genitalia.

Monica Keena wants you to snort powdered sugar off her tummy

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