Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I'm not your friggin' mommy!

Today I watched Orphan, yet another horror drama starring Vera Farmiga about a creepy little child who lies and manipulates and sometimes even commits murder, and I really really liked it! In this movie Vera already has two kids, an adorable little girl who is cute as a button but can't hear too good and a preteen douche who thinks that pressing colored keys in the right order makes him a rock star, but ever since her last attempt at hatching an offspring resulted in a whole lot of vagina blood and a big ugly scar across her belly she's been turned into a big sloppy wino. Time goes by, and now that she's been more or less off the sauce for about a year she thinks she's finally ready to add another member to the family and replace the dead fetus by adopting a child that didn't pop out of her insides, and so she drags her poor husband to this depressing orphanage that's being run by a bunch of sex-starved Jesus freak chicks, including one who looks just like the awesome CCH Pounder. While Vera is browsing around for fresh meat, her husband finds this cute little girl with some sort of Russian accent sitting alone in an empty classroom and working on these really cool paintings that no real child could ever be capable of producing. Little Esther seems really nice and intelligent and extremely polite and not at all bratty, so they decide to take her home with them and see how things go. At first everything seems just fine, but as it turns out, Esther is somewhat of an evil demon child and bad things keep happening whenever she's around, like little girls who accidentally fall off of slides, little boys who are accidentally threatened with castration and nuns who get accidentally bludgeoned to death with hammers. Seriously, you haven't truly lived until you've seen a small child hammer a nun's cranium into a messy, bloody pulp. Truly delicious stuff. 12 year old Isabelle Fuhrman is absolutely incredible as the titular orphan girl, and I see many great and creepy things in her future, despite the fact that without the weird old-fashioned clothes they dressed her up in here she looks like a pretty normal little girl and almost not at all like a homicidal maniac. It usually distracts me when I see children facing distinctly adult situations in movies, because the reality of the situation is that kids in movies are almost always portrayed by actual children, but her performance is so convincing it just sucked me into the disturbing creepiness of the whole story. Vera Farmiga is once again a mother who has to protect her children from their evil sibling while dealing with a husband who is completely clueless to the whole thing, but she's still a very good actress so I didn't really mind watching her do her bits from Joshua all over again. The the guy who plays her husband is OK too, not that he has much to do here other than stick it to her doggy style and get a bunch of inappropriate propositions from various females. Now, naturally I wanted the big reveal in the end of the movie to be of a supernatural nature, like having the little girl turn into a gigantic soul eating demon with bat wings and a pointy tail, but the actual twist is so much more awesome than I could have possibly imagined, so I was extremely satisfied with it. Orphan has been criticised for supposedly scaring off people who may be considering adoption themselves, but if you're seriously thinking about making life altering decisions based on a horror movie then you're a friggin' retard who probably shouldn't be adopting a child in the first place. The only useful thing horror movies can teach you is how to survive a zombie holocaust, everything else is nothing but pure entertainment. Orphan is a delightfully creepy film that I've enjoyed tremendously, and so once again I have to point out the complete and utter uselessness of the tiny dicked assholes in charge of theaters here who never gave me the chance to see it on a really big screen. May their tiny black souls rot in Heck.

Isabelle Fuhrman. Creepy is the new cute!

A few weeks ago I saw the new Sherlock Holmes, but I didn't write anything about it because, well, I didn't have much to write about it. Robert Downey Jr. is always pretty cool, but the whole thing was just sort of meh. I guess there's a good reason why I've never seen a Guy Ritchie movie before. It's just not my type of thing. The only cool thing about his entire career in my opinion is the fact that he's actually made a movie called Snatch. He. He. Hehe. Snatch! Hehe. He. Uh, yeah, I've recently downloaded all 200 episodes of Beavis and Butthead and I've been watching at least a couple of them every day. Hehe. He. Hehe.

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