Thursday, January 14, 2010

Beware the emo rocker, for he is a douche of pure malice

Today I watched the unrated version of Jennifer's Body, a horror comedy directed by the chick who made the visually stunning but otherwise lame Aeon Flux movie, written by the chick who wrote that movie where the lovely Ellen Page gets knocked up by a dork, and starring the too hot for her own good Megan Fox, and I really really liked it. The movie is all about a couple of high school girls who are best friends, one is really hot and the other is sort of geeky, though it's merely movie-geeky, which means she's still pretty darn cute. One evening, as the two attend a rock show at the local sleazy bar, the members of the pathetic emo band on stage stupidly mistake the hot chick for someone who's never had any cock inside her and try to sacrifice her to the devil or something. I guess it's a pretty easy mistake to make, that is, if you happen to be both blind and dickless. While the band members get to be just as rich and awesome as the guy from Maroon 5 as a result of the non-virgin sacrifice, the chick who had to sit on a bag of frozen veggies after taking it up the bum is instantly turned into a man-eating demon who has to periodically feed on horny teenage boys in order to retain her smooth skin and bouncy hair. I've never seen Megan Fox in anything before, and despite what I've read about her performance in the gawd-awful Transformers movies I thought she was pretty good here, displaying a pretty convincing balance between raw sexuality and pure evil, though it's probably not such a huge stretch for someone who looks like her to play a man-eating she-devil. And I still don't find her particularly attractive, as objectively hot as she may be. I'm just not really that much into chicks who look like they're made of plastic. I was pretty shocked when I found out that she's only 23 years old, because apparently all the work she's had done makes her look completely used up, like she's had to go through the entire frozen section at her local supermarket to get to where she is before hitting her mid-twenties. Her look is so generic now that it took me quite a while to find a photo of her that I liked enough to post here. I was also pretty shocked to find out, during this search for interesting photos, that Chloë Sevigny actually sucked a guy off on camera for some poofy art house movie from a few years ago. I guess that means that she's a very serious actress who's completely devoted to her profession and stuff. Sigh. Anyway, Jennifer's Body is very well written, including all those fun little Diablo Cody trademark quirks, the acting is really good all around, including the Nazi über boss from Oz with a curly wig and a hook for a hand, and the whole thing is just very pretty to look at, even during the scenes that don't show any bloody carnage. And you even get to see Megan Fox totally making out with another chick, with extreme close-ups on the tongue work! What an awesome, awesome movie, and my guess is that the fact that it was never shown here in cinemas finally proves that the people who are in charge of film distribution here obviously prefer young boys.


And yesterday I finally watched Forbidden Zone, a really weird black and white movie from 1980 directed by Richard Elfman and featuring music and songs by Danny Elfman, and unfortunately I didn't like it that much. I didn't really mind the obvious low budget look, and the animation sequences are actually really good as well as some of the songs (the opening song was later reused in the Dilbert TV show), but I guess it was all just too weird for me. I mean, sure, there's plenty of perky topless chicks and unsettling dry humping, but it could definitely have used a slightly more structured script and much, much better acting. Tattoo from Fantasy Island was pretty good in it though. There's also a colorized version of the movie available, if anyone's into that sort of thing. I think colorization is icky.

If I write a good enough script, will Chloë Sevigny blow me too?

No comments:

Post a Comment