A self love poem

If masturbation causes blindness,

Does that mean that sticking things up your butt

Can damage your hindsight?

Damn, I should have seen this one coming.

Which I guess disproves the whole theory.

Never mind then.

The leading cause of male masturbation today

Also, if masturbation causes you to grow hair on your palms, can mental masturbation be the cure for male pattern baldness? Probably not, because I've been trying to come up with something funny to say about it for the last two and a half hours and my hair still doesn't feel any thicker.

A love poem

Baby,

When I'm making love to you,

I feel like I'm making love to the most beautiful woman in the whole world.

Like I'm making love to Samantha Mathis.

Because that's who I usually think about

When I'm making love

To you.

I don't care what anyone says, I really like the Super Mario Bros movie

Veronica Mars sucked balls

(and I sure hope Kristen Bell does too)

Kristen Bell is obviously one smoking hot little piece of ass, everybody knows it and I have the horribly disfiguring battle scars to prove it (note to self: never ever watch Fanboys while intoxicated ever again), but what I can never figure out is whether that little thingy under her left boob is a mole or a superfluous nipple. One of these options gives me a hypothetical raging, pulsing creep-boner, while the other just grosses me out. I mean, it's located in the exact spot where one would expect to find a third nipple on Ms. Bell's hard little body, but I can't find any more information about it online, so I'm more than a little confused about the whole thing. That's okay though, by now I'm pretty much used to being confused about chicks. They sure are a confusing little gender. I guess it's that weird indoor plumbing that makes them that way. I know I would probably develop pretty unusual personality traits myself if I had to sit down every time I had to pee. Gross.

Also, I think Kristen Bell was really good in the new Batman movies. Maybe that fake raspy voice was a tiny bit too much, but overall I think she did a fine job in both of them and I'm looking forward to seeing her in the next one.

Motivation

Sometimes I think that the quickest solution to all my problems is the right kind of motivation. Like, all I really need is someone who would say stuff to me like "if you lose 7kg by January I'll let you touch one of my boobs over my clothes", or "if you get a real job by the end of next month I'll let you give a quick kiss to any part of my body that isn't in my bikini areas", or even something simple like "if you get a normal haircut within the next three hours I'll let you watch me eat a banana". I'm pretty sure something like that could be the answer to pretty much everything that is wrong with my life right now. So if you're interested in helping me out and you don't have a penis, you know where to find me. Most days that's usually either in front the TV or in front of the computer. Yeah, I know, it's pretty sweet. Sigh.

Ramona Flowers into a lovely young 2D woman

Well I've recently finished reading all the Scott Pilgrim books and the day before yesterday I went to see the movie for the second time and yesterday I received the first two books in the mail (I'll order the rest of them soon), and so the result shouldn't really surprise anyone as I'm definitely no stranger to developing deep and passionate crushes on indie comic book characters. Sigh.

Also, before I saw the movie again I went into this book store at the mall where the theater is and I was shocked and amazed to see the first Scott Pilgrim book on display, in Hebrew! And for some reason it was placed in the children's books section. People sure are retarded.

Pita makes you fat?!

Yo' mama

A comic strip about honesty and resentment (and giant dildos).

Heartbroken once again

So I was watching the half season premiere of Caprica last week (which is easily the best thing on TV right now) when this totally cute little chickiepoo appears on my screen for a couple of minutes and then quickly disappears in a glorious blaze of unholy fire, and I was all like, man, the casting people on this show really do know how to pick the prettiest Canadian chicks alive today, but there wasn't really much else I could do about it, so I let it go. A couple of days later I was watching the latest Fringe episode, and what do you know! That very same young lady appeared in it, and she actually got to do some acting! And she wasn't awful at it at all! Naturally I took it as a sign from my favorite imaginary deity that she and I are destined to some day make sweet and passionate love in my head, and so I set out to look up some information about her online. Most importantly I wanted to find out how old she is, so I could know just how legal my love for her was. You see, not unlike a certain Mr. Scott Pilgrim, I too suck pretty bad at guessing how old women are, and really, how can you even tell these days (see comment at the bottom of this post)? Unfortunately, all IMDB could offer me was a very short and incomplete list of her TV roles (her Caprica credit wasn't even up there, though it is now) and a couple of modelling shots supposedly taken last month in which she looks about twelve years old (not too legal then). This is what one of them looks like:

So pretty. So very very pretty. And yet...

There was one other thing I found, but it took me a few days to fully realize what it meant. I didn't want to believe it, but in the end I was forced to accept it as the cold, brutal truth. It was a Twitter account, and as hard as it is for me to admit it, it is probably really her who keeps filling it to the brim with post upon post of brainless teenage drivel. Sigh. And on TV she looked like such a cool person! I don't know, I guess she could be technically over 18, but I just find it extremely difficult to have wrong lusty feelings for women I could never imagine having an interesting conversation with, and so I am sad to announce the early demise of yet another brief and hopeless crush. May it forever rest in peace in hopeless crush heaven.

(Note: have you ever noticed how you can ask pretty much any question and then add something like "how can you even know these days?" or "who the hell can even tell these days?" and it becomes instantly cool? I sure have. Some day I'm going to make a hilarious cranky old dude.)