Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Dybbuks can be so clingy

Today I watched The Unborn, a PG-13 horror movie starring Odette Yustman as a hot chick who finds out that she's actually Jewish (the horror!) and Gary Oldman as a hip rabbi who's really good with demon dogs. I was actually going to see it like ten months ago, but the stupid paper had the theater schedule wrong (I guess papier really is geduldig), so I took it as a sign from Baby Jebus' deadbeat dad and never tried to catch it again. Anyway, today I watched it for the first time, and I guess I would have enjoyed seeing it on the big screen, but I can't really say it's a huge loss that I hadn't. The concept of a Jewish horror movie is a pretty interesting idea, but instead of dealing with the horrors of your typical Jewish family dinner or the weird semi-erotic relationship between the common Jew and their overbearing parents, The Unborn is mostly about the single most famous boogyman of Heeb culture, that creepy ghost/demon type being that possesses the bodies of its unwilling victims known as a Dybbuk. The movie offers a handful of genuinely creepy moments, like a woman whose entire face is a huge mouth full of sharp pointy teeth, a senile old dude with an upside down head and an adorable puppy with a similar affliction, but most of it is pretty much the same old crap we've come to expect from PG-13 ghost movies about good looking college kids. The only real reason so see this movie is the gorgeous Odette Yustman, also known as that really hot chick whose pants that douche from Cloverfield ran through an entire monster infested city just to get into one last time. She was a pretty good distraction from all the usual teen-horror crap I couldn't give a flying poop about. Like, they kept talking about how the Dybbuk is trying to get inside her body, which mostly made me identify with it, because I know that if I were some kind of angry spirit, the first place I would have tried to get into is Ms. Yustman too! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even have to be angry to want that. Or a spirit. Or, there's this scene where she watches some people wheel a dead baby into an ambulance after it was killed by a mirror or something, which made me think very seriously about whether or not I'd be willing to kill an infant with my bare hands in order to be able to take in a nice deep whiff of her tight little ass, a question I haven't been able to settle so far. There's a good reason why that ass is all over the poster. She also looks pretty sexy with those weird contact lenses that are supposed to make it look like she's got some sort of genetic eye disease. There's nothing too original about The Unborn, but if you think you're the sort of person who could enjoy looking at an extremely attractive young woman whine and moan for about an hour an a half, like I sure am, you just might be able to enjoy it.

Odette Yustman's front side

Odette Yustman's mom in The Unborn is played by the lovely Carla Gugino (of Sin City boob-fame), who is almost 40 years old and still looks totally hot. It's so weird how some women look absolutely fabulous in their forties, while with some 20-something year old chicks, if you look down their tops it gives you that distinct and unsettling feeling of staring at your grandmother's cleavage. Mary's baby daddy sure does work in mysterious ways.

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