Thursday, December 31, 2009

Fun with rubber genitalia

Yesterday I watched Antichrist, directed by self-proclaimed biggest director in the world Lars von Trier, and I guess it's an OK movie, but only if you think about it as a sleazy exploitation/horror movie with a really boring hour-long exposition. The film opens with a scene in which Willem Dafoe is sticking it to Charlotte Gainsbourg as their little boy jumps out the window. You can tell that it's a really good and artistic film by how everything is in black and white and in slow motion and with something out of an opera or some such thing in the background, and also by how you get to actually see Willem Dafoe's cock sliding in and out of Charlotte Gainsbourg's snatch. I was so relieved to find out later that they used doubles for that shot, because the thought of those two having real sex on camera is something that could have easily scarred me for life. What follows this is about an hour in which the couple mourns the death of their little brat, which is pretty ridiculous considering that they live in a world where you can create babies pretty much for free, so if one gets smooshed you can easily just make another one, no big deal. For some reason the wife gets so messed up by the whole thing that she has to be hospitalized and put on psychiatric drugs, something which the husband, who is a professional psychiatrist, doesn't really approve of. In order to help her recover he takes her to a crappy little cabin in the middle of the woods, where they argue and do stuff with no pants on and have creepy encounters with various animals, like a mommy deer with a dead baby deer stuck to her ass, a dying baby crow who gets his head bitten off by a hawk, and best of all, an adorable talking fox! Still, as entertaining as watching a fox eat his own bloody guts may be, I was still pretty bored and very anxious to get to the only reason why I started watching this thing in the first place. Gutted animals are all well and good, but I've seen worse at my local supermarket. Please, I begged the movie, please get to the good stuff already and show me something gross that isn't Charlotte Gainsbourg's naked body. When the good stuff finally came I was pretty exhausted, but it was all so hilarious that I almost didn't mind. After a couple of days of psychotherapy the crazy broad finally snaps and crushes her husband balls with something big and heavy, something that undoubtedly happens pretty often with chicks who stay off their meds for too long. She then gives his unconscious body an incredibly sexy handjob which results in him ejaculating blood all over her clothes. Next she drills a hole through his leg and bolts him to a heavy grindstone, so he'll never be able to leave her. Talk about clingy! The really creepy bit, however, is when she finally goes completely mental and slices her own clit completely off with a rusty pair of scissors! Now that's just good wholesome fun for the entire family! Lars von Trier annoys the poop out of me because he's obviously got a really scary torture porn movie somewhere inside him, and yet he insists on making what he considers to be 'art'. Pfft. Whenever I want to look at art I just open the cupboard and pick out at an old can of chickpeas, and if that isn't art, then I don't know what is.

Willem Dafoe has a surprisingly nice butt

When I first read about the VJ mutilation scene in a review of Antichrist I was pretty pissed because I felt it was a terrible spoiler, but then I realized that if I didn't know about it, I probably wouldn't have any interest in watching it at all. What's more important is that the scene was created in such a realistic way that if you're not fully prepared for it you may end up soiling yourself. So in a way I'm sort of happy that the film critic for Maariv is such a dick. And if I used to think that my life sucks, at least now I know that some people have it even worse, like, say, the members of the effects team that was in charge of reproducing Charlotte Gainsbourg's crotch in latex. *shudders*

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