Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Turn it off, it'll rot your brain cells!

Last night I watched Terrorvision on MGM, and I'm happy to report that it happens to be one of the coolest horror/sci-fi '80s comedies I've seen in a long time. Terrorvision is a rather insane B-movie from 1986 about a big scary monster that accidentally gets zapped down to earth and starts eating everything. See, on their native planet monsters are pretty common household pets, but when they start mutating they have to be disposed of and blasted into space. This particular monster gets dumped into the Puttermans' newly installed satellite dish, materializes inside the house through their Television sets and basically eats them all one by one. Now, it doesn't really make much sense in a movie that is clearly not meant for small children, but the main character is an annoying little blonde boy. This typical pedo bait is obviously extremely disturbed and is already on medication, so when he starts talking about monsters nobody really gives a shit, as is often the case with children in horror movies. His parents are pretty awesome role models, the kind that easily shape you into a fine young American with serious impulse control issues. You see, they like to have icky, hairy '80s sex with other couples of similar interests. They even bring one of these couples into their home, the female of which looks pretty awesome in a bikini and the male is a greasy Ricardo Montalbán-type dude, who is very Greek and very into Greek culture. That means he's a manly man. A man's man. The kind of man's man who can take in like a man. And probably give it like one too, I suppose. That part was a little bit confusing, because they didn't say anything about his girlfriend being a muff muncher, so what were the girls supposed to do while the Greek guy is plowing Mr. Putterman's big hairy ass? I guess the chick could have tried to get it on with the kid, as she's pretty much expressed her interest in him from the moment she laid her eyes on the little fucker, but I don't think the mom would've been too entertained. Then again, who knows. Yup, it's just that kind of movie. There's also a sister, sporting an insanely gigantic '80s hairdo, and her borderline retarded metalhead boyfriend. Finally, there's the grandfather, who is a conspiracy theory enthusiast with his very own bomb shelter and lizard tail jerky business (you cut off its tail, and it just grows a new one! it's the perfect business strategy!). All the adults get eaten one after the other, but the monster has this really neat trick where it can extend the severed heads of its victims on a these slimy, meaty stalk things and make them talk! Once the grown-ups are gone, the three kids manage to befriend the creature and teach him all about the three most important things in Earth culture: food, music and TV, all of which seem to fascinate it. There's also this giant tittied Vampira-style TV host called Medusa, who has snakes for hair and can turn any man rock-hard in an instant, which is no small feat considering her mess of a face. Almost the entire movie is set at the Puttermans' home, which is a colorful and tastelessly decorated horror as only the '80s could produce, indoor swimming pool and Roman statue of a chick with water spouting out her nipples included. And the theme song is pretty hilarious too! It truly is a crime that Terrorvision was never released on DVD, even though the assholes at MGM still hold the copyrights for it. The world would be a so much better place if every household in it could have a copy at hand.


In other news: earlier this week I went to see Avatar again, and it was even awesomer than the first time. I desperately need to see it again. It's pretty fraking amazing to see how many people are still going to see it, even after two weeks, and especially in a country where sci-fi movies usually bomb. I really hope there won't be any sequels after all, because using the technology to do the same thing all over again instead of trying something completely different sounds like a pretty stupid idea. Of course, if it'll mean that in a couple of years the original Avatar will be shown in theaters once again then I'm all for it. I'd hate to think that after my third (or fourth, or fifth) time I'll never ever get to see it again in 3D.

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