Monday, December 28, 2009

We get it, you have a perineum

Today I finished watching the third season of Californication, and the last episode was sort of a downer, but also really good. The season was mostly about Hank trying to juggle the many many women in his life, and his ultimate failure to do so. In addition to Karen and their teenage daughter there were three different chicks, all three of which he was banging quite happily. There was the dean's wife, who was pretty much your basic posh British broad, very polite and very attractive and very classy. She also kept trying to get into Mr. Moody's pants in an extremely charming and English way in order to get back at her dean husband who kinda looks like that Jewish guy from The O.C. and at one time had supposedly banged some student chick. There was also Hank's teaching assistant, which was a character I didn't get at all. I mean, I'm pretty sure I've seen her playing the mother of a teenager in Roswell like ten years ago, so now I'm supposed to believe she's a desirable woman in her early thirties? Pfft. And what's the deal with the boob-double? Even if her own aren't nice enough, or if she simply didn't want them exposed on camera, we don't really need to see some anonymous woman's bare torso, do we? Not much point in that. Finally, there was Hank's voluptuous student, played by Susan Sarandon's daughter, which I guess would make her Tim Robbins' half sister or something. I liked her better in Saved, where she had short dark hair instead of long blonde stripper-hair. Pretty awesome boobs though. It really annoys me how most strippers on TV get to keep their tops on the entire time, so this was a welcome surprise. Anyway, Hank did a crap job at sleeping with all three of them while the mother of his child was out of town, and it all blew up in his face in a pretty entertaining way. The final episode, however, was all about his little indiscretion from the first episode of the first season, a little over two years ago. He got beat up and arrested and yelled at, and all because of this one little time he accidentally slipped the ol' noodle into a very mature 16 year old girl, played by the little girl from The Nanny, who had since managed to grow herself a pair of absolutely magnificent breasts. He didn't even know she was underage! Like any middle aged man could ever say no to that, had the opportunity presented itself to him. Poor Hank. Not to mention Becca's confession near the end of the episode, which gave me a pretty awful flashforward to when my own future daughter (who will never actually exist) will tell me that she let some greasy disgusting asshole into her innocent little peepee. Poor old Hank. Oh well. Californication has already been renewed for a fourth season, so I guess that in about nine months his hangover should be starting to subside.

Madeline Zima. Bitches be crazy

And speaking of tragedies involving attractive young women. There's this one porn chick that I really really like, though I should probably say used to like, even if I really don't want to. She was a gorgeous little thing, with flowing red hair and the prettiest, tiniest little vagina you'd ever see on a legal caucasian girl. She was Jewish and not at all shy about it, she mostly just did solo and girl on girl stuff, and according to her MySpace page she was a pretty interesting and not too unintelligent person, the kind you'd actually want to have a conversation with before she gives you a sloppy handjob behind a dumpster in some dark alley. Well, I guess she still is most of these things, only according to recent photos of her posted last week, these days she looks more like an x-ray of a methhead with a couple of oranges bolted to her chest under the skin. Why do these young women do that to themselves? Is it so hard to not wear any clothes for a living that you have to turn to hard drugs? I mean, she's only in her early twenties, and she already looks like she's had more spunk pumped through her than me. I really do hope she gets better soon. What a fraking tragedy. Um, yeah. I've finally started watching Battlestar Galactica.

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