Friday, December 4, 2009

V is for Very stupid hair

Over the last couple of weeks I've been watching V: The Original Miniseries and V: The Final Battle, created by Kenneth Johnson. I really like the new V show, so I had to find out where and how it all began, and I'm very happy that I did. Both miniseries are just loads and loads of cheesy '80s sci-fi fun! The aliens look just like us and they say they're all for peace and love and they use their Nazi-like propaganda machine to make us all think so, but what they really want is to steal all our stuff and then eat us, and if you peal off their fake skin you can see that they're actually scary lizard people from outer space that shoot venom out their mouths and feed on cute little guinea pigs! The first thing they do after we welcome them down to Earth (to the sound of the Star Wars theme music, no less) is to round up all the human scientists under suspicion of terrorism, and there's a pretty cool bit where a Jewish Holocaust survivor helps a family of scientists by hiding them in a spare room in his house. The leader of the human resistance is some kind of hot blonde chick, which I guess tells you all you need to know about what our species is like under duress. I really liked the storyline about the teenage girl who allows herself to get knocked up by a studly alien she has a crush on, which raises some pretty heavy issues like teen pregnancy, intercultural relationships, abortions, teen suicide and above all, crazy half man half reptile mutant babies! The acting in both miniseries is just awful throughout, as one would expect from '80s television, but the special effects are actually really good. Aside from a couple of terrible matte shots the optical effects for the spaceships and shuttelcrafts aren't too distracting, and most of the aliens make up is pretty convincing. That is, as long as you only see a green patch under ripped fake skin or a reptile eye. Whenever you see what a full alien face looks like, which thankfully doesn't happen very often, it looks about as good as a bad Halloween mask. What's really weird is how all the aliens have silly '80s hair! That alone should have tipped everyone off from the beginning. And this should be a lesson to us all. If an alien race ever comes down here in fancy spaceships and they look just like us and wear their hair just like we do, it means that they're trying to look like us on purpose and that they're hiding something. Like lizard tongues. Or third boobs. Or both! Now that's pretty damn sexy.

Congratulations, it's a bouncing baby turtle

Yesterday I also watched The Informers, based on the book by Bret Easton Ellis and featuring Amber Heard's glorious boobs and a bunch of other stuff I didn't pay too much attention to. I've read the book a few years ago but I couldn't really remember much about it, and the only reason I watched it is because I found out that Ms. Heard doesn't wear much in it. Christ, what a gorgeous piece of ass. Chicks that hot who are willing to pretend to fuck on camera should get a Humanitarian of the Year award. I know that Ms. Heard's brief scenes in The Informers have definitely made my life a hell of a lot more livable.

Every time Amber Heard takes her clothes off, an angel gets its wings

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