Thursday, December 10, 2009

I'm just a bit worried I'm gonna get raped

Yesterday I watched Lesbian Vampire Killers, a British vampire comedy starring two dorky guys and a buttload of incredibly hot British and European chicks. I liked it quite a bit, but it's not like I had much of a choice. How could anyone not enjoy a movie with that many scantly clad young women who keep making out with each other? It's impossible! The movie is all about two losers who are down on their luck (one has a total crazy bitch for an on-and-off girlfriend, the other is fat and unemployed) who decide to go hiking somewhere out in rural England when they realize that they can't afford to go anywhere nicer. In the small town of British Sounding Name I Can't Remember they meet a group of vaguely European chicks (led by the lovely MyAnna Buring) and follow them into a big scary house, where they are consequently attacked by a group of angry lesbian vampires (led by the stupid hot Vera Filatova). There's also something about an ancient curse and some kind of priest who doesn't watch vampire movies, but I guess I didn't pay enough attention. Is it a funny movie? Sure, yeah, I guess, in a bland, obvious sort of way. You know how despite what everybody else said, Shaun of the Dead was just sort of humorous at best, and how you didn't give a flying fudge about any of the characters but it had enough drinking and zombies and entertaining gore to keep you satisfied? Well, it's sort of like that, only with like a million times more TNA. You don't really see that many naked boobs, it's just one pair and it's far away in the background, which is pretty annoying for a movie with the word 'lesbian' in the title, but almost all of the chicks are really hot and most of them have sharp, pointy teeth that look like the most exquisite way imaginable of getting oneself neutered. And when you drive stake-like objects through their hearts (or chop their heads off, or split their skulls in two) they explode into this thick, white slime that gets everywhere and does not in any way look unlike the natural reaction any healthy male would have in the presence of friendly lesbo chicks, vampire or otherwise. I still would have preferred the traditional blood splatters, since it is after all what vamps feed on, but I guess this way works too. Would I ever watch it again? Sure, I guess, but I'll probably have to get pretty drunk to fully enjoy it. It would also probably help if I knocked one out beforehand. Yesterday I was kinda stressed out over having to go to the doctor so she could tell me I have brain cancer in my butt or something, so any kind of foul play was completely out of the question, but normally it's exactly the sort of film that forces you to take short pantsless breaks as you watch it. Lovely.

Vampire Vera is welcome to any bodily fluids of mine she may be interested in

Ah, Vera Filatova. A woman whose facial features alone can make my dangly bits feel things most women's spread open poop chutes could never even come close to. Oddly enough, her character in Peep Show likes girls too. Could it mean that she really does prefer the bitchier sex in real life? One can only hope!

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