Sunday, December 13, 2009

Du Hochgebaute Stadt

I spent the weekend in Jerusalem, accompanied by three 50 year old women. One of them was my mom. Another was a real live Christian from the Ukraine who couldn't speak a word of Hebrew or English, only Russian or something, so I couldn't really communicate with her. Yeah, I know, I lead such a glamorous life. Anyway. Here's the thing about your typical Jerusalem chicks (not to be confused with the average Jerusalem chick): They're very pretty. Really pretty. I mean, I saw this one chick at this artists market, she had a stand with stuff she knitted herself, like dolls and stuff, and she was so incredibly lovely and the way she sat there and knitted a sock or something was so adorable that I couldn't help but walk by her stand again and again, back and forth, staring at her and just generally doing the total weirdo creep thing. There was this one doll there with red horns and a red tube top that I kinda liked and kinda felt like buying from her, just to see if I could get away with brushing my fingers against hers as we make the transaction, but thankfully I've decided that the mere concept of a chick like that acknowledging my existence would probably cause me to pass out and hit my head on the sidewalk and quite possibly burst into bright blue flames, so I took one last look and walked away forever. Too bad my memory is so crappy when it comes to faces. I'll probably completely forget what she looked like in a couple of days. I can't even remember if she wore glasses or not. She definitely had the sort of face that looked like it was made for glasses, which I totally dig. You know what I mean. Anyway. Typical Jerusalem chicks: They're very pretty, really pretty, and they're very intelligent, really intelligent, and they're very nice, really nice. The only problem is that living in our nation's capital tends to turn you into an extremely dull person. Like, a typical Jerusalem chick is the sort of person that's a real joy to look at, that you may like to bang once or twice, maybe let her help you with your homework or something, definitely let her star in your favorite masturbatory fantasies, but to actually be in a relationship with her, to actually have to listen to her talk on and on about whatever it is people in Jerusalem talk about, that would be complete and utter hell. Having to listen to a chick talk on and on about whatever it is people in Jerusalem are interested in for more than a couple of days is the sort of thing that would probably make you crazy enough to go on a bloody rampage and bite her friggin' head off and spit it out and put it on top of a big stick outside your house to warn off any other boring people who may be getting too close to your doorstep. OK, like, for instance, consider Natalie Portman:

Natalie Portman in a typical annoyingly hot pose

Ms. Portman was born in Jerusalem, and she makes an excellent example. Now, imagine what it may feel like to be flirting with her, having light, friendly conversation about nothing in particular, smiling and gesturing. Pretty neat, right? She probably looks pretty good bottomless too. Next, imagine what it would probably be like to have a lengthy discussion with her about, say, politics. Or the economy. Or global warming. Imagine you'd have to do that every day for at least a week. Finally, imagine what her head would look like on a stick. Delicious, isn't it?

And look at what I got in the old city, even though
it was probably made in China or something!

And it's got a funny looking thingy for a handle!

And it's even ribbed, for the pleasure of the next asshole that pisses me off!

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