Merry Jewish Christmas!

Jewish Christmas is that magical time of the year when Jewish dorks everywhere put up little plastic trees on their desks and place dragons, skulls and pigs under them. Happy holidays everybody! I guess I hope you don't die a too horrible death in 2011!

Foolproof Pick-up Line #7

Knock on the sky, listen to the sound

Today I went to see Tron: Legacy and found that it is easily the best thing the good evil people at Disney have produced in the last 70 years, which shouldn't really say much, but it totally does! I mean, sure, the CGI Jeff Bridges looks like it was animated by Pixar (that's not a good thing) and the 3D wasn't all that impressive, but other than that it was the best movie I've seen all year that wasn't Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. The visuals are breathtaking, the action scenes are fantastic, the story is very cool and sort of dark (in a PG sort of way), both simple and complex and never too stupid or boring, just like one would expect from a script written by the guys who wrote and produced most of Lost, and if you're a fan of Daft Punk or of cool music in general then you're in for a treat, because the movie's score is one of the best ones I have ever, ever heard. The acting was OK too, in the sense that I was never really offended by any of the actors' performances. I even finally get now why everybody always says Olivia Wilde is so hot! It took quite a drastic makeover, and it's not like I'm going to start watching House now, but I definitely wouldn't mind playing Hide the Cocktail Weenie with her. Tron: Legacy is everything the original Tron wanted to be but couldn't and so, so much more, and I'm definitely going to see it again as soon as I at least partially recover from the effects of the explosive audio-visual orgasm that this movie is. Oh, and speaking of the original Tron, I watched it again a few days ago to prepare myself for the new movie and I think that all things considered it still holds up pretty nicely, and that the reason that the CGI sequences in it are so, well, ugly, isn't the limitations of '80s technology, but the fact that it was created by '80s computer geeks who may or may not have been color blind. It was the '80s after all, a time in history when color blindness seemed to be a global epidemic. I just hope that the new movie's merchandise that's going to be available online now will be nothing but boring, useless crap, otherwise my poor little credit card is going to be in big, big trouble.

Olivia Wilde looks even nicer as a freaky cyber organism!

So, anyway, I was watching this obese, middle-aged woman with no clothes on sucking on a chubby dude half her age on live webcam this morning, when suddenly it hit me: I really need a girlfriend. Sigh.


And here is a bonus haiku, based on a true story:

I saw this biker
Who looked just like Jek Porkins
I was left speechless

Show me your kitty!!!

I got some used Lords of Acid CDs in the mail today, and I couldn't be happier about them! I haven't tried to see if they actually work yet and I don't think I'm going to any time soon, because I already have all of them on my MP3 player. Don't they look pretty though!

A kitty getting high on pot

Cute!

Cute!!!

Super cute!!!

Not napping in a plant pot, but still pretty cute!

Tragically, no one was killed

The roof of this gas station had collapsed during a storm earlier this week. Unfortunately, it did not explode in a ball of fire and did not kill dozens of innocent bystanders. How lame is that?!

It's scary how clean the pool is!

Today I went to see Paranormal Activity 2, and I suppose I had a reasonably good time. It's pretty much like the first one, only with a lovely Sprague Grayden and an adorable German Shepherd. And a cute little teenage girl. And a whiny little baby too, I guess. Most of it is just more of the same stuff from its predecessor, with long boring parts, a few good scares here and there and a fun, creepy ending. If I didn't like seeing horror films at the movies so much I'd probably just wait a couple of months and watch it at home with some cheap booze instead of in a theater crawling with horny, Hanukkah vacation-crazed teenagers.

Ms. Grayden may not look as hot as she did on SFU, but she's still pretty darn cute!

However, the coolest thing about Paranormal Activity 2 is easily the yellow ladybug-shaped pool cleaner robot thingy they have in their pool. It looks so fun and awesome! When I grow up I'm totally getting one for myself. Right after I get a pool. And a home of my own. And the ability to take my shirt off in front of others.

Neat!

Finally, here's a bonus haiku that has absolutely nothing to do with this post:

Exhaust pipes are hot
Both in the temperature way
And the sexy one

Not quite as scary as 23 shots in the stomach

A few days ago I went to see Kalevet (rabies), known in this particular part of the world as the first Israeli horror movie, even though it's like the third or something, and I was pleasantly surprised to find a film that is actually fun to watch and not too dumb or embarrassing. The plot is simple enough: a bunch of attractive people run around a forest and kill each other one by one. There's also some stuff about incest and jealousy and police brutality, but mostly it's about character interactions and the resulting deaths. Not that you get to actually see much gore-wise, except two severed fingers and a guy who makes a silly face to simulate a broken jaw. One could argue that the fact that most of the violence is executed off screen is due to the ridiculously low budget, but in my opinion if a horror director says that they didn't have the budget to do something, what they actually mean is that they weren't inventive enough to pull it off with the money they had. They even got the fake blood from overseas, when I'm pretty sure you can make perfectly reasonable fake blood out of corn syrup and food coloring! That's just lazy. What turns Kalevet from a silly little attempt at genre filmmaking into something truly worthwhile are two of the sexiest scenes in the history of Israeli cinema, both starring a lovely young actress by the name of Yael Grobglas. One features Ms. Grobglas squatting gracefully on the ground and peeing, while in the other she gets sort of finger-raped by a police officer during a rather thorough frisk search. Once again you don't really get to see much, but the expression on her face is absolutely priceless. Really good stuff. Kalevet has way too many celebrity actors for its own good and very little structure, but it looks kind of nice and is pretty entertaining in its own way, and at this point in time it's not like one can ask much more than that of an Israeli production. Now if only I could stop thinking about what color panties little Ms. Grobglas is wearing at the moment for more than two minutes maybe I could actually get some sleep!

Welcome to the digital age, Yael Grobglas!

Bonus haiku:

I like horror flicks

They show people's inside parts

And sometimes boobs too

Boozy haikus!

Some afterthoughts on a family event I have attended earlier this week, in haiku form:

I really like beer

Because it makes me happy

And it tastes like beer

Most red wines are gross

They taste nothing like fresh grapes

What is up with that?

Scotch is a man's drink

But if you're a fat loser

Then it's okay too

I've recently learned

That Cava is just white wine

With bubbles in it

Masturbating drunk

Is a dangerous habit

When you don't use lube

An extremely outdated political strip

From the Coleslaw vaults: a comic strip depicting a conversation which took place around the time of the 2008 Democratic Party United States presidential primaries.

Things Straight Guys Never Say

(or: Things My Therapist Says)

Understanding asexuality

Real live ex-poop!

Dinosaurs are cool,

And poop is always funny,

That's why this kicks ass.

Coprolites are educational!

I love my little piece of crap

A foolproof make-up line

Love haikus!

Your boobs are awesome

They look like two lumps of fat

May I touch them, please?

You're my favorite place

To put my penis into

Way more than my hand

If you'd ask me to

I'd have sex with other dudes

Just not in the butt

You are breathtaking

Much like a rose in full bloom

Or a child's anus

Your mouth tastes like pears

I'd like to explore its depths

With my love sausage

Gross looking vegan sausages

Foolproof Pick-up Line #6

Foolproof Pick-up Line #5

Foolproof Pick-up Line #4

Foolproof Pick-up Line #3

Foolproof Pick-up Line #2

Foolproof Pick-up Line #1

Go tentacle monsters!!!

Today I went to see Skyline, and here is my complete and unabridged review of it: whenever there were alien spaceships and monsters on screen it was pretty cool. Whenever Scottie Thompson was on screen it was pretty hot. The rest of the time, it was pretty boring. I did enjoy the movie, but that's just because I really like scary aliens and hot chicks, as all the other aspects of it, like the story and the characters and the dialogs and the directing, were just plain laughable and painfully unoriginal. Wikipedia says there might be a sequel in the works. I guess I wouldn't mind watching it too. At least I'll get to see that one really pretty chick again. She sure looks nice with a big greasy tentacle monster slobbering all over her!

I definitely wouldn't mind making an honest woman out of Ms. Thompson,

if you know what I mean

More than anything Skyline made me want to watch District 9 again. Man, if District 9 had Scottie Thompson instead of some unmemorable South African actress playing the dude's wife it would've turned it into a near perfect film. Movies that are cool, hot, funny and interesting at the same time are so scarce these days. Oh well. I guess they can't all be The Fifth Element.

Bonus haiku:

Beauty marks are gross,

But Scottie Thompson is hot,

Hence my confusion.

Happy Birthday Poodle!

Today is Poodle's birthday, and the nice people at Google Israel were kind enough to make a special logo thingy in her honor. I thought it was mighty sweet of them.

Cute!!!

Fraking retards

Once again I am forced to face the fact that everybody's stupid. I guess a show as original and intelligent and beautiful as Caprica never really had a chance in the first place, because the only way to avoid getting cancelled these days is to make pure and utter crap. Rest in peace, dear friend. *sniff*

37 is the new 40

Once a chick hits 37

She's hardly a chick anymore,

Because once a chick hits 37

She's a full grown woman,

And nobody wants to see a fully grown woman

Trying to be sexy on the screen.

This was recently scientifically proven

By taking a bunch of dudes

And attaching electrodes to their junk

And making them watch the complete box set

Of Friends.

Once Courteney Cox turned 37,

Between the 7th and 8th seasons,

The show started to go down hill,

And so did the dudes' schlongs,

Along with Mrs. Cox's boobs.

My point is,

Cougars are gross.

Unless they're real cougars.

You know, the kitty kind.

Those are really cute.

A 36 year old woman

So I've been watching Lost Girl, which is a new Canadian show about this sexy succubus who tries to find her parents while making out with werewolves and blonde doctor chicks. So far it's been very entertaining, it's fun and cheesy and funny and sleazy, but the thing I don't get about it is that the main character, succubus Bo, is supposed to be 28, while Anna Silk who plays her is going to turn 37 by the end of January 2011. I mean, don't get me wrong, Ms. Silk is one smoking hot little lady with a gorgeous face and killer boobs, but I don't really see how she'll be able to continue to play a luscious sex-crazed demoness in the second season. Casting her in that role was either a very courageous move or a very dumb one. On the other hand, when you look at how new TV shows are constantly being cancelled these days, there's a good chance that an awesome show like Lost Girl won't last for more than a single season. Sigh.

Also, look for those funny Nicoderm commercials on YouTube, in which Anna Silk plays a bitchy air waitress! I definitely wouldn't mind having her yell at me for the entire duration of an intercontinental flight.

Ars Poetica

Creeps live in vans,

And bimbos chew gum,

Fiction is clever,

But poetry's dumb.

Kitties like goldfish,

And hunters like ducks,

Fiction kicks asses,

But poetry sucks.

A man is an island,

A woman's a trap,

Fiction is goodness,

But Poetry's crap.

People are boring,

They're always the same,

Fiction is awesome,

But poetry's lame.

Madonna's a cow,

While Kylie's a minx,

Fiction smells yummy,

But poetry stinks.

Up until recently I was convinced that ars poetica had something to do with this

Plushies may not be forever

But they're still pretty good. They're certainly a lot more huggable than plastic.

My very own huggable Ramona Flowers!!!

On the other hand, plush is usually made out of polyester, which is a kind of plastic, so there's still a good chance my new plushie might just love me back until the day I die. Good.

Plastic Love

Remember how adorable Anna Faris used to be?

But then she turned blonde,

And got these ridiculous fake boobs,

And those ridiculous fake lips,

And probably several other facial augmentations,

So now she looks more like a blow up doll than a person,

But that's okay,

Because plastic women deserve to be loved too,

They just have to settle for the sort of dudes

Who have to settle for the sort of chicks

Who were manufactured in a factory

In China.

And to be perfectly honest,

I've seen more than a couple of mannequins over the years

That I definitely wouldn't mind spending a night with,

So I can totally see the allure of plastic lady parts.

Yeah,

A tender night with a mannequin.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is,

The better I get to know real women,

The more I like the idea of having a relationship

With a plastic doll.

Because plastic women don't lie,

And plastic women don't cheat,

And plastic women don't judge,

Because plastic love is virtually forever,

Because plastic takes like a million years to decompose,

And the stupid environment can just suck my balls.

I definitely wouldn't mind eating some melons with the old Anna Faris

So yeah, I watched a special Halloween double feature today, and the movie that wasn't The Nightmare Before Christmas was May, directed by Lucky McKee and starring the lovely Angela Bettis and the unbelievably sexy 2002 version of Anna Faris. Nightmare and May are two of my all time favorite films, and so good time was had by everyone present. I really like the movies that I like.