Have a Creepy Halloween!

This year I've chosen to post the spookiest thing I could possibly come up with for Halloween: a nude self portrait. Enjoy!

Coleslaw Flavored Meme #2: Can't tell if I should be worried or just annoyed

I've been spending way too much of my time on Memebase. And also, on the bus.

Haiku of the Day: Y U NO WRITE MORE HAIKUS?

(Inspired by the events described here)

The only kind of butcher shop that makes any sense

This week I saw Eatliz play live at the Uptown Music festival in Bat-Yam, and I was so blown away by their sheer awesomeness (I've seen them before, but it was a pretty short performance) that the first thing I did when I got home was to order a ticket for their show on the following evening with Consider the Source. CTS turned out to be pretty great, but once again it was the music of Eatliz that blew my stupid little brain into a million happy little pieces. If I knew anything about music I might have been able to describe it in detail and explain why I absolutely love it, but sadly all I can articulate at this point is that Lee Triffon, their lead singer, is absolutely fucking gorgeous, in addition to being an unnaturally gifted vocalist. For their show at the Barby she wore this partially see-through leotard sort of outfit that did a really nice job at showing the curve of her spectacular rear end, her pointy pointy nipples and the classiest camel toe I have ever had the pleasure to witness this side of the Mediterranean. It's a good thing I've prepared myself for the show by engaging in a brief session of furious fapping to the following photo of her, because otherwise things could have gotten a tiny bit weird.

Lee Triffon and her favorite phallic-shaped object

I've enjoyed the shows so much that the following day I actually ordered a couple of their CDs online. You know, those round shiny thingies that sit sealed in their boxes on your shelf and collect dust while you're listening to your MP3 player. I can't really imagine what I'm actually going to do with them, but hopefully they should alleviate at least some of my guilt for seeing Eatliz twice in the same week for only 60 shekels.


Bonus TMI haiku:

Fapped furiously
Before seeing Lee Triffon
My peepee still hurts.


Update: and how about another one!

Foolproof Pick-up Line #12

OMG CHAVS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part IV: Finally, last Tuesday I went to see Attack the Block, and it was actually very entertaining! Good alien invasion stories are always fun to watch, and even though the monsters-alien-thingies had a low budget sort of look (they were basically dudes in big hairy suits with only minimal digital enhancements), they still looked pretty damn cool. There wasn't a huge amount of gore, but what I did get was pretty fantastic, and it's going to take me quite a while to forget the image of this tough looking drug lord getting his face torn off by a bunch of crazy ass space gorillas with huge glow-in-the-dark teeth. Also, this movie if one of very few films that made me glad that they put subtitles on movies here, because some of those kids' accents were just plain indecipherable. Attack the Block is a very fun little movie, but the main thing I took from it was this: any male who is heartless enough to mug someone as adorable as Jodie Whittaker at knifepoint is pure fucking evil and deserves to burn in doggy hell for all eternity along with anyone else who was ever cruel to something cute and small.

I want Jodie Whittaker to stitch up all my genital wounds

In other news: Sukot is the Jewish holiday on which dorky Jews from all over the land come together and hang around the Tel-Aviv cinematheque for seven days filled with geeky movies, geeky books, various types of roleplay (the geeky kinds, not the ones that end with intercourse) and many other dorky activities. Today I visited both Icon festivals (not to watch anything, just to look around), and as predicted, they both made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I did however get to talk to this totally cute redhead (and by 'talk' I mean motion yes and no with my head) who tried to get me to join some sort of club for people who like reading science fiction but can't or won't read English. For obvious reasons I had to respectfully declined the offer (using the art form of mumbling), but the good news is that I now have plenty of new fapping material that should keep me occupied for at least a couple of weeks. I am indeed the very essence of smooth.


Bonus love haiku:

Weird girl on the bus
I'm sorry for the staring
I just want your vag.

OMG ROBOTS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part III: Real Steel, which I went to see today, is a heart warming coming-of-age sports drama about a father and son team who try to train a humble boxer for the world championship. Why did I like it so much then? Because of all the friggin' ROBOTS! Big robots! Mean robots! AWESOME ROBOTS!!! I didn't even have any problems ignoring all the parts of the movie that didn't have them (and I'm pretty sure there was like half an hour near the end that didn't have ANY robots) because whenever I did get to see robots fighting on the screen it was the coolest thing I've seen in a long, long while! And guess what! Who got to play the role of the supportive chick back home? Why, it's none other than friggin' Evangeline Lilly, the finest piece of ass on the set of Lost for six whole years! That's right: awesome fighting robots AND Evangeline Lilly! And you even get Phil LaMarr as some sort of sports commentator, for some reason! Totally. Fucking. Awesome. What didn't I like about the movie? Well, there's a little boy in it. Eww. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the kid also dances. With the robot. Yeah. What's even worse is that Ms. Lilly's freckles aren't very prominent in the movie, which is a real shame, because in Lost her beautifully freckled skin was one of the top reasons why I liked the show so much. But in the end, even though the plot in Real Steel doesn't always make too much sense, it's still a very cool film that totally brought out my deep love for all things robot, and for that I will cherish it forever.

DAT ASS

You know what's really creepy about cute little boys? I think it's how they always look like if you'd slap a vagina on them and add like ten years they'd turn into hot chicks, while in reality they usually end up as dudes, which is just about the most useless thing I can think of. What a waste.


Bonus love haiku:

I want to make love
To Evangeline Lilly
In the vagina.

OMG MILFS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part II: I wasn't going to go to Dream House, but then I saw the trailer before The Three Musketeers, which made it seem interesting enough. Was it? I guess so, in a way. If you call watching Daniel Craig making a sad face and wandering around an old house for 90 minutes while trying to figure out who he is and who killed his family, which he still hangs out with, interesting. And no, that's not a spoiler, because it's all in the trailer. What the movie does have going for it is the two top ladies in everyone's Over 40 and Still Totally Hot lists, the talented and beautiful Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts, and that's a pretty big plus, even though they're both seriously underused, especially Ms. Watts. Overall, Dream House is a pretty generic and old fashioned sort of film, but I'm the sort of person who would gladly watch Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts play checkers for an hour and a half (even with all their clothes on!), so I guess a moderate amount of fun was still had.

Rachel Weisz had her first kiss when I was a baby!

Naomi Watts got her first period when I was a baby!

OMG BLIMPS!!!1

Four Movies in Eight Days, Part I: Last week I went to see the new The Three Musketeers in 3D, and it was pretty good! I really like Paul W.S. Anderson's movies, because they never try to be something that they're not and you always get what you came for, be it flesh eating zombies, crazy aliens from outer space or Milla Jovovich in dresses that make it look like she has boobs. I can't really remember much about the plot of the movie, but I do remember I had a lot of fun, which I guess tells you all you need to know about it. And you know what? I never would have expected a Paul W.S. Anderson movie to be so funny! It even has that fat British guy who's been in a bunch of stuff, as well as that Nazi guy playing some sort of Christian in a dress! Also, France has a flaming homosexual teenager for a king. And yeah, as expected, there's also the stunning Ms. Jovovich being all evil and stuff and jumping around through fancy booby-trapped corridors. I'm pretty sure the original book didn't have any blimps in it, and it seems likely that it didn't have as many S-words (yay PG-13?), but the movie was entertaining enough to ensure that I will definitely go see the inevitable sequel in a couple of years, and isn't that what's really important these days?

Who the hell needs boobs when you're this hot?

Haiku of the Day: Honest!

I don't diddle kids.
I really don't diddle kids.
And I'm not lying.

Also, there are no small children under my desk at the moment, and I am wearing pants. I swear!

Thank you It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and thank you Danny DeVito!

Happy Atonement!

For decades now it has been a time-honored tradition at the Coleslaw household that every Yom Kippur I try my hardest to find the time to masturbate at least once, preferably while thinking about the most Aryan looking shiksa I can come up with, in celebration of the holiest day of the Jewish year. Let's see how things go this time. Wish me luck!

Man, that ezrat nashim looks HOT!

Update: Yup. Mission accomplished.

And this year's winner is the gorgeous Christina Cole of Hex fame!

Bonus love haiku:

Dear Christina Cole

I would like to enter you

And ejaculate.

Under-the-Bridge Weddings are so Romantic!

Last night I watched Bridesmaids, because that's that kind of movie I like to watch when I'm heavily drunk at one in the morning, and I guess it was sort of entertaining, but parts of it were just too painful to watch, mainly because Maya Rudolph is so unnaturally unattractive that I literally had to avert my eyes from the screen whenever that face of hers appeared on it. Sometimes HD just isn't worth the risk. Seriously, why does she keep getting work?! You know, just because a person is hideously fugly it doesn't necessarily make them funny. And Black-Jewish couples usually have pretty nice looking kids, so what the hell went wrong here? I still can't believe that she had sex with Paul Thomas Anderson on at least three separate occasions. Didn't he used to like stick it to Fiona Apple? How do you go from such a gorgeous piece of ass to such an unfortunate train wreck? Oh well. At least I got to see the lovely Ellie Kemper play some sort of tragically white chick, even though she was seriously underused. I guess it's time to look up her old blowjob video on youtube again!

Maya Rudolph in Bridesmaids, showing off her fabulous engagement ring!

Update: Well, I guess I'm retarded. The answer was right in front of me the entire time! As in most cases of unattractive, untalented people who are able to maintain successful careers in show business, Ms. Rudolph is probably just really really good at giving head. Personally, I would much rather choke my pathetic little chicken by myself for the rest of my life than let Salacious B. Crumb have its way with it.